Welcoming myself

So what brings me here? I have been longing to start my own blog simply to put my thoughts into writing. I expect that doing so will somehow place a structure on my wild imagination that has a tendency to go awry.

And yet, what compels me now to start writing here is a recent experience.

I have resigned to the practice of sharing this experience to my friends and announcing it in Facebook. After all, my friends have known too much of the vicious cycle that I went through with this person that I have become the woman (boy) who cried wolf.

Still, it is painful. Even if I personally do not deserve to have this time of grieving, I demand my own moment of pining for this man who has finally found someone else to love him. It must be my ego that got hit - the fact that he went ahead of me in finding someone else. But I am in no hurry to find a partner. I committed myself to solitude this year if only to process and heal the wounds of my previous relationship. But I was caught off guard. I didn't expect him to replace me too soon. I must admit that there is still a part of me that longs for us to be together. However, that same fraction of me that longs for him is just not enough to keep the us going. Don't get me wrong. He did treat me well while we were together. He even followed me to this foreign country when I came here to pursue graduate studies. It's just that I do not have that strong identity to be with someone whose ideals are different from mine.

Move on. Yes, it is the most logical thing to do. But just allow me to have this time to cry and pine over this news. I miss him a lot. I miss him. But I don't even know what missing him actually means. I cannot fight for him because I know that standing firmly by my decision to break up with him has been the one right thing that I did for myself since I got into a relationship with this person.

Oh, I need to go back now to revising my thesis.

With a bleeding heart,
Diana