Some relationship realizations (on a Sunday)

I have noticed that I am the type of person who has a list of things to do on her mind.

I never run out of things to do. I read from an article (I can no longer remember the source) that this is a manifestation of a person's insecurity, my insecurity. According to that article, keeping yourself busy provides the feeling that you are an important person.

Hmmm... While I may be guilty of that, my never-ending list of things to do is really rooted beyond those insecurity issues. This is another topic.

So on a Sunday, I find myself having planned to do many things. And I realized that whenever I have a boyfriend, I guess it is important that we at least share common beliefs and activities so we can multiple task. And for him not to end up complaining that I do not have time for him.

If my bf and I go to the same church, then this is one activity on a Sunday that we can do together.
If he is also that type of person who is dynamic, I wouldn't feel guilty that I do not have time for him on a Sunday because I see him doing things he has to do on Sunday.
If we are involved in studies together, we can study together on a weekend. That is also one bonding session.
If he likes to read books and open to read the books that I read, then we can spend some time reading together. That would be sweet.

And so I have realized that, at least for me, it is important that my partner and I share similar priorities in life. If we just enjoy eating, shopping and traveling together, then I might have to think twice whether we are for each other 'coz these things do not necessarily always happen on weekends. (And I'm just not that type of person.) I will have to examine our current day-to-day activities and observe how we bond with each other.

Ouch!

One doesn’t love in order to do what is good or to help or to protect someone. If we act that way, we are perceiving the other as a simple object, and we seeing ourselves as wise and generous persons. This has nothing to do with love. To love is to be in communion with the other and to discover in that other the spark of God.


Paulo Coehlo, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

How have I been?

I have been quite busy these days though I don't really mind.

September 15 was my first day as an intern in this investment bank. I work long hours, around 12 hours. In the first two days, I was asking myself, "what did I sign up for?" Later on, I have come to recognize that I have a lot to learn in terms of being an economist in real time while working here and also in terms of relating to people.

So I have committed myself to learn as much as I can while I am here.

Downside of working: I spend most of my day sitting (drinking tea and/or coffee). I'm getting fatter. I really need to exercise. And I do! I run thrice a week in the evenings. Still, it is not enough. I need to cut down on my food intake.

Saturdays are spent with LISS sessions. Before coming back to Singapore, I have committed myself to serve at LISS as a form of thanksgiving (and to keep myself busy during weekends).

Sometimes, I get lonely. I wish I have someone to embrace with. But then again, I can't afford a boyfriend now. I don't have the time.

That's it for now. Oh, I want to be an Economist for an IB just like the one I am with now. But maybe I still want to pursue a Ph.D. in the US. Let's see where this road will take me.

Some resolutions

Maybe I need to stand firmly by my resolutions when I get back to Singapore.

Tomorrow, I will be back in Sg.

Back to life that I quite tried to run away from but, despite the choices, my gut feel told me to return. Or is it the gut feel?

Whatever it is, I will try to live the remaining months of the year to the fullest! I will live life happy.

And I need to exercise. Seriously. Three weeks later and 10 pounds heavier? Let's see when I stand on the weighing scale tomorrow if I got an accurate prediction of my weight gain. :P

Things to look forward to:
1. Life in the corporate. Thank you, Lord, for this blessing.
2. Presentation in Manila in October.
3. More blessings to come. And some bouts of loneliness I'd better prepare myself with.
4. secret :P

xoxo,
Diane

The box

September 6, 2010 (past 11 pm)

There’s a box that sits in the bottom of the two-layered desk to my left. When I first saw it as I entered my room here in Santa Fe, I tried to refrain from opening it. That box carries a lot of memories in it but memories are simply events that are no longer with you in the present. I just didn’t want to intentionally bruise myself.

More specifically, it is a vessel of beautiful memories I had while I was in Manila two to five years ago. It contains letters, simple notes, cards and other memorabilia from people who simply appreciated my presence at a particular point in their lives. I must also say that they have touched my life more than they will ever know.

Tonight is my last night in Santa Fe. I have already packed my things and I initially thought of reading Gujarati’s econometrics textbook tonight. However, just as I was about to start reading it, I noticed the box. (It always happens; I usually get distracted when I start to do serious work. :P)

I opened the box; ran my fingers through the pile of cards, letters and ribbons. I was looking for something that was buried underneath the pile. I saw a colorful envelope that is really a bubble wrap. I can remember it containing a CD from Rene. He took a video of himself to greet me on my 23rd birthday while he was on his first year of Ph.D. in Hiroshima.

I was surprised to see a letter, aside from the CD, inside the envelope. I must have read it when I received the package but I could no longer remember the content of the letter.

I read it. He talked about the mystic of the sakura, how it resembled the beauty, tragedy and the hope that I brought into his life.

I continued reading it. He talked about chasing his dreams in Japan:

I have come so far to learn of new things, to better myself, to chase my dreams. Yet deep inside, I know that all I gain, at best, shall be mere trappings of a better shell, a frame so to speak. New layers of knowledge may be added, a wiser perspective of the world perhaps. Trappings of life may be earned. Yet, the heart, the core shall remain unchanged.

I never really fully understood what he meant by learning and improving himself until I had the chance to study in Singapore. In fact, it was only in my second year when I really came into terms with myself and that I could say I did change for the better. I have a proof for that. Ting, my really good friend, told me while we were in the restroom at Marco Polo in Cebu around two weeks ago, that I have grown up.

I was brought into tears while reading the letter. Why? Because it is a letter that talked about chasing his dreams, and my dreams as well. I will never deny that my dreams of studying abroad, of eventually taking a Ph.D., of exploring different cultures, of making new friends of different nationalities, were formed while we were still together. Rene served as my guide that time and our relationship was my inspiration to achieve my dreams.

But I was too young to commit myself into a relationship. I admit that there was a significant portion of my being that wanted to explore, to take risks by myself. And so, months before he left for Japan, we eventually broke up.

“Maybe we need to explore, Diane.” I can remember him telling me that while we were in this place where the Manila Ocean Park now stands. It was the night before he left for Hiroshima.

And we did explore. On his second year of studies in Japan, I won a 2-year scholarship at a university in Singapore. Before I left for Singapore, he wrote me a letter to inform me that he had found a new girlfriend and I happened to closely guess her name. Of course, I cried; I sobbed. I finally lost him just when we were about to live our dreams. Shortly after, I found myself a boyfriend in Manila who eventually followed me to Singapore.

Those two years must have passed like a blink of an eye. I have finished my studies in Singapore and so has Rene finally earned his Ph.D. Some relationships started and ended; personal changes in one’s being transpired. There were times when I was tempted to reach out to him, to ask him if I still have a place in his heart after all these years, after all that he went through with me.

But I just couldn’t do it. Not now, when we are still both weary about our future. I do not want to mistake my move as me being needy and lonely. And not when, more than the physical distance, several significant personal experiences now separate us. We have already changed. I have already changed. And I do not know if I will still be the person he will choose to love just like five years ago.

So I will just continue to wait until the universe will bring us back together again. In the meantime, I will continue to better myself so that I will be more than prepared to love him when the right time comes.

Before he ended his letter, he shared to me a beautiful story about the Kanji character for “hito” (person, in English). It consists of two strokes, i.e.:

It is said that a person is represented as such because one cannot stand alone, as in:

One is bound to fall down, hard. One needs the support of another,

,

in order to exist meaningfully. That is the essence of being a person, being dependent on and supportive of others at the same time.

I had long fancied myself as an independent person. But as years passed, I have come to know the essence of a human being. I have to learn to open up, to offer myself, to surrender myself to another. I have started with baby steps…

I folded the letter, returned it to the enveloped that kept it, and placed the envelope back inside the box. Now, the box just looks like the way it was when I first saw it weeks ago.

I long for the day when I am all eager to be with myself again

I long for the day when I am all eager and ENTHUSIASTIC to do the things that I pride myself of doing once again.

I still haven't had lunch. It's 18 minutes past 1 in the afternoon already. Thanks to Mai for calling Jollibee for me.

Now, I have to finalize a paper that's due today. Do I see myself writing academic papers for the rest of my life?

I need to know. 'Coz I need to make a decision really really soon.

It just came to me that my decisions in the past were partly influenced by flimsy trimmings. For example, I wanted to go to Corpus Christi because I wanted to own my own locker. I wanted to go to Ateneo because I wanted to sit in the grass with friends musing about life just like what I saw in the school brochure..

Now, why do I want to go for an internship at JPMorgan again? How about doing a Ph.D. in Berlin? How about presenting my paper in an international conference?

Sadly, life is about choices. It's never about the many opportunities that came along your way. It's about the opportunities that you personally chose, the path that you personally lived.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

I am saying goodbye to my workstation of close to two years...

A messy one.. It will be missed..

This was how it looked like before my classmates left for China...

Now, it's quite tidy already. But I do not have the evidence to show. I am the last person in my batch to leave this place. I really have to wait until the admin manager has to evict me already. Yes, I was evicted. But when I worked as a research assistant this month, I was given space opposite to my original desk.

Now, I really have to say goodbye. Farewell, workstation. Farewell, SMU.

On leaving Singapore

Zoe, my Chinese schoolmate, is right. I am just lonely these days that's why I get so attached to people.

Honestly, I fear that if I stay long enough to look for a job here in Singapore, I might not be able to find one. I long for someone to encourage me in this lonely pursuit of a job.

It's going to be my first time to go home to my parents without a definite destination. Usually, I go home with a pasalubong that I have something to look forward to, an achievement. Now, I go home with a past. I graduated. Then what? I do not know.

I so much want to cry in front of them. Let them know that, yes, I am fragile and weak. I am entitled to be one, right?

I could use a boyfriend now, you know. But I know it's a wrong move to get into a relationship now.

It's true that I'm leaving Singapore because I am chickening out. I am lonely. I am giving up.

Oh, Lord, help me.

You should know...

You should know that I am quite good at concealing my emotions.

Please know. Hope you realize that.

My paper made it!!!

Got some great news!

My thesis paper made it to the 2010 Central Bank Macroeconomic Modeling Workshop to be held in Manila, Philippines on 19-20 October 2010!

I will be presenting my paper before macroeconomists around the world. Michel Juillard, one of those who developed Dynare (the toolbox I have been using for this paper), will be there. I hope Martin Uribe and Stephanie Schmitt-Grohe will be there as well. I am excited!

This is one great excuse for me to have something else to do while I am jobless! Hahaha!

And I have a valid reason to attend Karen's wedding in Cebu on Oct. 23!

Thank you, Lord! Got to submit the final paper by August 31. The joys of a research student. :D

Now, I pray that I find a job that would provide me a conducive environment to my research endeavors. That could mean working for BSP or this one in Singapore that I still have to apply.

Food treat and looking back on an old daydream

****Main events happened on July 6, 2010.****

In my failed attempt to find Mr. Teh Tarik Cartel's Mocha Dinosaur near my university tonight, I treated myself to Pulut Hitam with a coconut bun at Coffee Express along Victoria St. I thought I was going to be full with it but later on, realized that my stomach still has room for another treat. In a stall across the one where I bought my Pulut Hitam, I saw my recent favorite - fried dumplings! You could certainly guess what I did next. Yum yum!

After Coffee Express, I decided to walk further away from SMU. My feet brought me along Bain Street, passing by art stalls until I saw this quaint coffee shop called Food for Thought just across the National Library. The name brought memories of a sandwich stall, the likes of Subway inside the Ateneo, of the same name. I went in to check the menu and eventually decided to order a cup of hot chocolate and a green tea muffin. The interior walls of the shop were decorated with posters of the cafe's advocacies. It turns out that this coffee shop is one of the businesses of a group of friends who decided to open a business that would support certain less fortunate groups and projects dedicated to some development issues. The group has promised to spend at least 10% of their profits to education, improving water quality in developing Asian countries, and more that I cannot recall while writing this.

When I was still in high school, I would find myself daydreaming of putting up a business. I would open up a restaurant in Cagayan de Oro where the beef would be sourced from my grandmother's ranch, pork and vegetables from piggeries and farms grown in Santa Fe and nearby barangays, and the fish, I didn't think about it that time. Thinking about it now, I can probably source it from my mother's hometown of Medina, Mis. Oriental. The cakes will be personally baked by my mother who's really good at baking. But before that, I wanted to develop my grandmother's ranch and put up a vegetable farm in the vicinity of the ranch. Eventually, I would also start a flower farm. The goods would be mostly for exports but a portion will supply my restaurant's needs. The resto will also feature a cozy corner where students and intellectuals could just stay to read books that are available inside while treating themselves to a cup of coffee like the one prepared by my grandmother when I was younger and she was still more active. Outside my resto, there would be a small flower shop that sells flowers from my farm.

So that was my dream and it could still be my dream today. I thought then that I wanted to put up a business that is close to my heart, one that carries my childhood memories and interests as I grew up. Second, such an endeavor would give me the opportunity to provide constant livelihood to the people in my barrio. I have always felt the need to return or at least contribute something to my place given that I have been blessed to explore the world outside Santa Fe. Sometimes, when I participate in outreach activities in Manila, I feel guilty that I am not channelling my energy to helping "my people", instead.

So being inside Food for Thought reminded me of a childhood vision of myself, five years from now. Can I really do these in five years? I have doubts because it would require me to go back to Bukidnon to process all these while I have a research career that I am hoping I can build for myself within five years as well. However, I also know that the Lord paves the way for the sincerest of our dreams to come to fruition. I might be headed close to these grand dreams of mine in the years to come, after all. For instance, the desire of serving the people and engaging in social entrepreneurship is slowly growing into me these days. I hope I will get the chance to develop this desire and translate it into action in the coming years. Maybe not in five years; maybe earlier, maybe later.

♪ You can be the captain and I can be your first mate ♪

Oh no... What have I gotten myself into? So much for my singlehood mantra this year that I find myself occasionally waking up in the middle of my sleep to think of you.

I know I shouldn't entertain these thoughts; another heartbreak I couldn't afford when I am still all so emotionally fragile.

On relationships

Around a week ago, I had this short conversation with my research supervisor. She is a brilliant woman in her late 40s. Looking at her, no one outside the academe would ever think she has a Ph.D. from London School of Economics. My female classmates and I really look up to her for her grace and elegance, her brilliance aside.

Since she knew about my medical concern, she asked me about it. I told her my doctor suggested that I undergo operation. However, I just couldn't find time to schedule the operation. Besides, I added that I was not ready for one. I told her that, from my readings, if I get pregnant soon, there's a high likelihood that the cyst will go away.

"So why don't you consider marriage?", she asked.

To which my reply, "I am just not ready!"

Then she started to seriously think about it and told me it's not right to get married just to get pregnant. Well, of course!

I have been thinking about the idea of relationships lately. Why do people cling to a partner? Why does it seem to be one's lifegoal to find that one true love?

Many times I find myself believing that I am strong and complicated enough to have an intimate partner. I do not need one. If we base it on track record, my friendships work because my friends and I do not see each other often. We communicate when we want to. We are just guaranteed that during times of distress, we are a phone call away from each other. And I fancy this kind of arrangement.

I have seen myself fail in intimate relationships. I get what I want and then I get bored and beg for my partner to release me from the bondage of this smothering closeness. Then I see myself mourn for that broken relationship, for the loss of an intimate partner, only to find myself again feeling better, reborn, empowered now that I am single.

There goes the cycle. I have often wondered if I am really meant for marriage. Nowadays, I do not feel it. I do not need to find someone to accompany me in this complicated life of mine. What I need are friends. I need female friends. And I need male friends as well.

Don't get me wrong. I like guys. I like men. And I look up to men who know how to handle their lady partners well. There is a way that a woman likes to be handled (taken care of) by a man and it differs from one woman to another. A man who finds that particular way his partner desires to be handled is lucky enough. Other men are just well-experienced to be able to easily adapt from one woman to another. But that's really scary as a woman might get the impression that she is being treated way especially by that man.

My current state now? Single and quite content. I am happy. However, I must also admit that I miss being fondled by a man. I miss dressing up for a romantic date. I miss waking up in the morning beside that one person whom you can always count on no matter what (I didn't say love because I doubt it if I have ever experienced such).

That feeling of security. Ahhh, that's what relationships give to mere mortals like us. If a woman (or a man) is in a relationship with another, it seems as though she has found her home, an address she can always go back to especially when she realizes she has gone astray. A hectic day at work can easily be remedied by moments with her partner afterwards. When attending social functions with people she's not comfortable with, tagging along her partner would make that gathering more bearable.

A sense of constancy. While we humans have this fondness for change and adventure, we can never deny that we also desire for stability and stability could eventually mean mundane and constant. In my younger years, I fancied myself as a liberated, carefree person. I can do whatever I want, say, make out with anyone I like in the bar. "No one, not even my boyfriend, can and should stop me from doing what I feel like doing at this very instant," that was me around six years ago. (I admit I still have residues of that old self in me now, though.) Nowadays, I enjoy the feeling of being unpredictable - that no one can actually tell where I'd be next, or what I'd do the following day. I like the feeling that no one is tracking me down, or at least, has the right to track me down. I can hop from one place to another, from one activity to another, without feeling that I have left behind (or been left behind by) someone in the process.

But I have also asked myself, until when will I bask in this liberating feeling of being single? Pretty soon, when my one-year relationship moratorium will be over, I'll start brooding again over having a partner, a husband, a family and kids. Eeeewww!!! The current thought of the latter two (or three) brings shivers to my spine. I don't want them. Not now. They mean responsibility and I don't want to face such kind of responsibility now. But in the future, I know these feelings will change.

Constancy is mundane. It is boredom. True. At the same time, it is what disciplines an individual. Commitment in a relationship (which can be just boring) is what disciplines a person from hopping from one partner to another and then feeling used and guilty with himself/herself. One's dreams with a partner is what will keep one working hard for the future. Commitment is what will keep a person to strive to be the best that he/she could ever be.

Pretty soon, I will again start longing for constancy, an address, a security, a sense of stability. You are right in saying that it is wrong to seek these in a partner. Ideally, and I strongly believe in this, one gets into a relationship when she herself (or he himself) is emotionally and psychologically ready. That is why I have imposed this one year of self-discovery to myself. Yet, it can never be denied that once the excitement of singlehood dies down, we again start looking for that attachment, or seeking being anchored to another human being.

Note: I might be told that this feeling of security will only be attained through a relationship with Christ. I know that. That is what I have been trying to nurture these days and months. And true enough, as long as I keep on telling myself that Christ dwells in me and that I will never ever be alone, my loneliness just fades away. However, we are also embodied spirits. We desire another embodied spirit to share this life. It is that aspect that I have been trying to discuss here.

Tamed

I'm more tamed now. I got to talk to the admin secretary before lunch today after my email yesterday. She told me I'm getting my stipend. I really hope so. Let's see come July 15.

I am so sleepy. And I'm starting to have this abdominal pain again. I hope I won't have to take a pain reliever. I want to study Econometrics. After that, I will write the appendix of my thesis paper then revisit the codes so I can address the comments and suggestions of my panelists. I really hope this paper gets in to the BSP workshop in October. I will know before end of this month.

Getting scared and mad

How can I not be when the school's admin suddenly tells us that we have graduated already and will no longer get our stipend! And I DON'T have a job yet! This is BULLSHIT!

And I still have been getting requests from my research supervisor and I have yet to revise my thesis. Who planned this timeline anyway, to defend two months before July (the last month of our scholarship)? It's the Program Director, who didn't know of the repurcussions of his plans! I should let him give us our July stipend! If only I can do that!

Shit! I am scared! I am mad. I am fuming! And I feel pressured.

A realization

Around two nights ago, on my way home aboard a bus, it came to me that I have been too serious with my life and with my life plans. Since I decided to take a Masters in Economics at Ateneo, I have been tailoring my life towards a Ph.D. in Economics, a life in research without even asking myself whether this was what I really wanted. All I knew then was that I was surrounded by people who wanted a Ph.D. But I guess they weren't as serious as me. What I mean is that, despite their dedication to their dreams, they were still open to other possibilities. I, on the other hand, isolated myself solely to opportunities that would lead me to that Ph.D.. Sadly, I did not allow myself to be flexible enough.

So two nights ago, I told myself I needed to loosen up. I needed to keep my options open. I owe this to myself.

Explore is the word for me for the second half of this year. Of course, I still have to pray that He'll guide me in every step of the way and and grant me the grace to perform each task, no matter how simple, with excellence.

Explore, Diana. :D

Anxiety attack

Currently in that state and it is making me work and do the things I will never do in my usual happy-go-lucky mode.

Reality is sinking in! I can do this! I can do this, right?

A recollection of my 27th birthday celebration

So what happened on my 27th birthday? This entry has been sitting in my draft folder since June 11, the day after my birthday. It is only now that I got the interest to edit and finally post it here.

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A hug, a warm embrace, with my roommate completed yesterday's celebration. Many times I had longed to have that experience with her. But oftentimes, too, I would get hesitant. Finally, I did it last night. It must be the alcohol that pushed me to do so despite the hesitation. I just wanted to thank Karen for such a loving and caring roommate to me.

All I asked for my birthday was to be able to celebrate it meaningfully with people who are dear to me. Also, I hoped that I would at least be able to find peace within myself after the emotional struggle that I went through last week. Apparently, those prayers have been answered. It is amazing how He sends instruments among your friends and even among strangers, in the books that you read, in the thoughts that cross your mind, to have your prayers answered.

I feel like I am about to close a chapter of my life pretty soon. I hate and like this feeling at the same time. I hate it because I am becoming egoistic in thinking that my life is a big movie production and I am the lead actress. I find it so silly to even entertain this thought. But it does, oftentimes, crosses my mind. At the same time, I like the stability that comes with facing a clear transition of a certain phase in my life - I am about to finish my studies here in Singapore and I feel like my hardwork has paid off (Although, I am also aware that I am about to face the consequences of my past shortcomings in the coming days or years. But they don't worry me too much now.). Moreover, the uncertainty that comes with this transition thrills me.

Such feeling may have led me to seek for a meaningful birthday celebration this year. After all, my birthday falls a month short from my possible final departure from Singapore. And this could mean physically letting go of my schoolmates, newfound friends, housemates, habits formed while in this country, habits that can only stay here, and many more. I feel like I need to catch up on my personal relationships with the people around me. I do not want to take anyone and anything for granted in this blessing that is Singapore.

So my birthday celebration actually started last Sunday. My 'One Fine Sunday' entry will tell you so. The rest of the days were spent spending time with my schoolmates, talking to my family and friends over the phone, and emails with friends back in the Philippines. On Thursday, I donned my newly bought pair of pants and polka dot top for the superstitious belief of good luck on my birthday. In the morning, I had a brief online conference with my high school friends Mai Mai and Marale. After having lunch at the usual place (Koufu), I invited two of my schoolmates for dessert. The guy turned down my invitation. I acted being insulted by his reply but he really insisted on his decision. I guessed he just was not comfortable chatting with me and my female schoolmate about girl stuff! :)

So Zoey, the female schoolmate, and I ended up having dessert at The Coffee Club. It was a remarkable experience to be able to talk sincerely to someone whom you see often but don't really get the chance to converse in a deep way everyday. I found out that we share the same dreams and ideals. We agreed on our "academic crushes." For instance, we have a crush on this young and brilliant professor who recently just got hitched. Also, we have this desire to be a woman who is gentle and feminine on the outside but really strong on the inside. Moreover, one of the reasons why we dream to be part of this academic profession is our belief that this profession is filled with people with pleasant personalities and ideal characters.

At 5:30 in the afternoon, I attended mass at the Church of Sts. Peter and Paul. It has become a habit for me to attend mass on my birthday.

Dinner was spent with my housemates. The closed Yuan Fa Claypot Rice stall at Chinatown turned out to be a blessing in disguise as we enjoyed our relatively classy Din Tai Fung dinner at Raffles Mall. Ready for dessert, John disappeared and came back with this sinful and extremely rich chocolate cake with four candles. Erwin, afterwards, insisted that we all have a drink so we proceeded to Harry's at Chijmes. What was initially planned as just a light drink turned out heavy for me! I got drunk but not really wasted. Erwin, my evil housemate (:P), gave me two shots of the strongest alcoholic drink in the house - Bacardi 151. Had I known that 151 actually stands for 151 proof, I would decline the offer. Anyway, I did find out that I have a relatively strong resistance to that drink. Thanks to Erwin?!

Conversations when I was already tipsy circled around my life and ideals and John's mom who's having a hard time accepting Franz as her son's girlfriend, from what I can recall. I can remember Erwin insisting on me that there is no such thing as an ideal place and situation - I had to wake up; John asking me what I wanted in life, to which my answer was happiness, and that how I defined it and my answer was in my relationship with God. My reply to the last question left the two guys, John and Erwin, feeling awkward. One thing, though, that they nailed from me that night was that I had no regrets breaking up with Ivan. (Hahaha! Why do I always bring this up? Does it mean that I am just forcing myself to have no regrets? Hahaha! I won't say anything anymore!)

We talked about more things. I can recall myself telling John that his mother is missing a lot in closing her doors on Franz. And that Erwin's mom, as Erwin told me, seems to be like John's. And that John's mom believes that she's an extraordinary woman (and I thought to myself, I am just like his mom!). Now, recalling our conversations and writing them down here slowly brings me back to my physical state of drunkenness that night so I better stop.

You know, when I first learned about Ivan's new girlfriend, I instantly emailed the same message to Ting and Karen. Among other things that I said in my email was that all I really needed then was for my friends to make me feel that I don't need a boyfriend. So far, that request has been granted, not just by Karen and Ting, but also by my other friends. I once told one of my friends, I can't remember who, that it would be great to have male friends who would care for me without malice. I hope I have found that in my housemates. I really want to spend this year on my own and in the company of genuine friends. I do not have to involve myself in an exclusive relationship. There are still a lot of pain, bitterness, and other issues that I need to process within me. And I need my friends to help me bring myself back to my own feet again.

We eventually headed back to our apartment at around 1 am. The following day, I rose up early and went straight to school to discover an offline message from a special someone from the past. It was really nice to hear from this guy. I would not deny that I was somehow expecting him to greet me on my birthday. I am really glad he did and that we were able to catch up briefly on each other's lives. If I can have it my way, he would be the one for me. But this is not for me to tell. And I am just not ready. And for all I know, he might have found someone else already. I don't have room to worry about that now.

I was also more than happy that everyone in my family managed to greet me on my birthday. I had to keep on reminding my father to greet me because he would usually forget. He did greet me and said 'I love you' to me. If you know my story with my father, you would understand how important it is for me to be told just that by him. Ivan also greeted me. It made me feel that I am still a good person to deserve a birthday greeting from someone whom I have hurt badly.

My week-long birthday celebration was concluded by Ting's stopover in Changi for her trip to Bangladesh. We spent hours talking. She is just one special person to me. I enjoyed her antics! And I realized after our tete-a-tete that I have a lot to learn from her in becoming miss independent, you know, on still being able to keep your identity despite having a boyfriend and not relying everything on the guy. :)

So the world did smile to me, in more ways than one, on my birthday. And I know it will keep on smiling to me until God knows when.

Smile! *click*

To which Diana finds a remedy to her laziness

I ought to be executed today for wasting my time browsing the internet.

While having dinner, I was thinking of a way to manage my laziness. Apparently, I am not efficient when there is no pressure. Certainly, nowadays, there is no immediate pressure for me to revise my thesis and do the RA work. I do want to work on them because I do not want to cram but then, again, I just find it hard to do so. It seems that I have very little attention span on my tasks these days.

So I was thinking, maybe, I will just work seriously on alternate days and spend the other days relaxing? Maybe, I could explore Singapore - take a walk, go jogging, meet up with friends during the day, read a book in the National Library, visit museums, and many more? Worthy-of-a-Nobel idea, isn't it? :P

But when do I start? Maybe next week. I don't really know. Ooops! I just realized that I forgot to reschedule my appointment with the doctor!

Since I am again feeling lazy, let me just tell you what happened last night.

Iris, a friend I met through Praise@Work, and I met up at Lucky Plaza to remit money for Fr. Joey's mission work in Ipil, Zamboanga. I am amazed at how simple things like forwarding Fr. Joey's Facebook note of an appeal for assistance to people I know would turn out to mean significantly to some of them. For instance, Iris has long been looking for a cause or a mission that could be a recipient of her regular monetary donations. She's been thinking of directing a portion of her hard-earned money to less fortunate communities outside Singapore. While there are still people living in poverty here in Singapore, she acknowledges that the plight of the poor in developing countries is worse. So to her, Fr. Joey's note was an answer to her desire to give. And she gave quite a significant amount! This act of her is so amazing considering that she's been and will be financially drained these days for her wedding on August 7.

It is further amazing that two wonderful people who happen to be good friends of mine are able to meet, even if only through online communication, through this worthy cause. Iris, who has been endeared to me through the Life in the Spirit Seminar I attended last year, has become my confidant every now and then in my struggles with Ivan. She has always been a great listener and her advices, just like Karen's (my roommate), are grounded in her deep relationship with the Lord. But she never told me to break up with Ivan. No one ever did. Okay, maybe one person, but it was solely my decision and my long-overdue desire to end my relationship with him for the better.

Fr. Joey, on the other hand, has been a friend since he boldly approached me at National Bookstore along Katipunan Avenue in the Philippines. It was around 2004. He was fortunate that I recognized him when he introduced himself to me. The last time I saw him before that was when he was still a seminarian, not yet an ordained priest, assigned to my high school through Campus Ministry, a school org where my friends (Mai Mai, Samae, Marale, Gwynne, Rieza, and Joy) and I were active members. That was in 1996 so doing the math, we met again eight years after. Since then, we have been in constant communication through Friendster, Facebook and email. He has always encouraged me in my goals and prayed for me to attain them.

I believe that the heavens have conspired to introduce these wonderful people to each other!

After remitting, Iris suggested I take her to a Filipino dinner so I brought her to Kabayan. By the way, the remittance fee was waived because June happens to be my birthday month. Great, isn't it? I ordered Kare-Kare, Beef Pastel and Pinakbet. Dessert was halaya (ube jam). I had to try it first, though, to see if it closely mimics the taste of the same jam prepared by the Benedictine sisters in Tagaytay and Baguio. The taste was not bad so I offered the jam to Iris.

Since there were still leftovers, Iris suggested to pack them so she could bring to her fiance Martinus whom she claims should love Filipino dishes as his previous love interest was a Filipina! We walked our way to Somerset MRT station where her car was parked nearby. We talked about her relationship with Martinus and Martinus' mom. When we reached her car, I asked about her love story with Martinus.

Listening to her story, I just can't help but be teary-eyed until tears, indeed, fell from my eyes. Don't get me wrong. This is not another typical love story that makes any woman teary-eyed and jealous. Theirs (Martinus' and Iris') is one story that exemplifies their deep relationship with the Lord. I will no longer detail their story here. Iris and Martinus are the ones who should share it to you. All I can say is that when in comes to anything, even in romantic relationships, I have to consult the Lord and discern whether something is meant for me or not. What left me amazed was Iris' capability to sift through the many voices in her mind to know that it is, indeed, the Lord speaking to her. She actually couldn't be too certain until Martinus, through his actions, affirmed the messages she got from this voice. Iris' story has inspired me that I started to aspire for that kind of relationship with the Divine. According to Iris, it is an investment of one's time to get to know the Lord. I have to spend quiet time with Him until I will know clearly it's His voice speaking through me. Actually, I had done something similar before. Back in Manila, I once stayed in the adoration chapel with a paper and pen in hand. I allowed myself to get carried away with my writing and what resulted was a letter addressed to me, telling me just how much special and loved I am. Sadly, I was not able to keep that letter. It's been a long time since I immersed myself to that kind of experience.

Theirs is a blessed relationship. I will always continue to pray for Martinus and Iris. I really want to attend their wedding on August 7. However, I have already booked a flight to Manila, together with my mother, on July 22. Hmmm... What shall I do?

Sweet moments

Whoa! My life is filled with sweet moments I don't even need a boyfriend!

Thank you, Lord! I'm really glad that my loved ones and I are open with each other's feelings and do not hesitate to say, 'I love you'.

It really means a lot to me. Even a stranger's smile, a friend's embrace mean a lot to me.

I woke up early today; must be the reason why my spirit is up. But it has been up since last night, after I purged out my anxiety here (referring to my previous entry).

Can you help me de-clutter my mind?

Can you? I need help. Seriously.

I want to cry. If only it's normal to cry in front of others without really alarming them, without being asked why.

'Coz I don't know why. There are a lot of things going on in my mind.

Alcohol won't help. I had a few bottles last night. I even believe it's making things worse.

I want to go on a vacation. I want to go some place where there is peace and quiet. I want to go back to Bukidnon and find solitude there.

It's sinking in... Or is it?

I woke up in the middle of my sleep with the thought that I do not have a definite destination yet after July. Then I could no longer go back to sleep.

It is slowly sinking in to me.

Yet, right in the middle of the day, I just don't feel like applying for a job. I have some things to do like working on that RA job that my boss keeps on giving me (I'm not complaining though because I have been spending too much lately that I need this RA job to pay for the bills). I also have to submit my paper for a conference.

I just don't want to compare myself to my classmates. I have my own plans. I want to spend quality time with my family that's why I'm planning to stay in Bukidnon for almost the whole month of August. I don't think there's a need to be in a hurry. I can remember that was what I was telling myself in my dream.

Why hurry when you know you'll get there anyway? Life is not a race after all, is it?

To which I will vow to myself

I'm writing this down so that I won't forget.

NEVER AGAIN WILL I SHORT-CHANGE MYSELF.

Myself deserves nothing less from me. I will treat you right. I will try not to look down at you when you get into silly and stupid situations. In other words, I will not judge you.

I will love you.

random thought after gym

a 5-course meal + buffet dinner (all in one day) = what else?

By how much? Secret! :P

At least, this strengthens my belief that I'm not sick. :D

A cup of ice cream on a sunny Monday afternoon

Mmmmm...

Nothing beats a cup of guiltless soya ice cream on a sunny Monday afternoon! I will definitely miss this when I leave Singapore.

So people have been asking me what I will do after my master's here. In fact, I just met my perky model schoolmate from China in the elevator and asked me that exact question. Last Saturday, I had a sumptuous dinner with my classmates at Clementi and one of them, whom I do not see often, also asked me that same question. Moreover, around two weeks ago, just the day after my birthday, the School of Economics organized a merienda for us soon-to-be graduates together with our former professors. And just before we started eating together, all of us students stood before our professors (as if it were a formal event) and were asked one by one where we were headed after July. Good that I came out alive from that informal session!

Here's the truth: I DON'T KNOW. YET.

I honestly don't know yet! And please don't feel pressured nor sorry for me 'coz it's my choice not to know yet. It hasn't fully sunk in to me that I will finish my studies here soon. I want to savor every moment of my life as a student here so that there won't be any regrets when I recall what I may say as one of the cherished moments in my life. I did learn a lot at SMU, as a student and as a person in general. I have changed a lot, too. And I believe I have changed for the better.

So I like the thrill of uncertainty, that feeling that you're a delinquent student. (So I guess I still haven't totally changed - I'm still a crammer!) Because that's how I see myself and I think, some professors also think of me in the same way, this time. I am the only one in my batch without a definite itinerary yet. Most of them have job offers already and two are pursuing Ph.D. I kinda like the idea that I'm giving them a slight headache because of my delinquency! Hahaha!

Seriously, though, just give me this moment to slack and play around.

But don't scold me when it will finally sink in to me that I don't have an itinerary yet. I am afraid that when that moment finally hits me, I will be in a terribly panicky mood. So just support me when that time comes, too. Now, I am giving you a headache! Hahaha! I am actually giving myself a headache because I will be the only one who'll read this entry.

I can just imagine how Ting's Tita Benj would react to my behaviour if she were my aunt. I'm sure she would harangue me in the same way that she did to Ting years ago in their trips to Tuscany, Milan, Rome, etc. Don't you know that you're not born a princess? If you have these dreams, you should be working hard for these dreams! Nobody would come running after your mess! You can't afford to wait for somebody to serve you what you want in a silver platter! Wake up! And more, more, more harsh words that reflect that word we know as REALITY!

But I would want that kind of aunt. I need that. I need some push. Ting is still fortunate to have gone through that harsh experience with her. Ting would claim that it's her Tita Benj who is her soul mate.

What? How come soul mate? I got this from reading Eat, Pray, Love:

"A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it."

As for me, I would say that my soul mate is my whole Singapore experience.

Going back to my original topic... You really need not worry 'coz I have actually been doing something for my future. I have been applying for Ph.D. It's the only thing that I know and manage to do. In fact, I just come from the post office this afternoon to send my application package to Italy. I hope the people over there will receive the package before the deadline though and that I will get in.

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Oh, by the way, an incoming Ph.D. student just entered the room. I chatted with him and talked to him about student life at SMU. I happened to tell him that I'm glad I am almost done here! He told me that my comment somehow scared him! We'll I didn't mean to! I was just being honest. Ooops! :P

A thought while attending the wedding yesterday

I was fortunate to be invited by Mery to her wedding yesterday. Take note, this is my first wedding invite as an adult! Mery is an Indonesian Chinese and her husband, Fanming, is a Chinese from mainland China. They met in Singapore.

The wedding ceremony was held at the Sacred Heart Church along Tank Road followed by the banquet at the Fullerton Hotel. It was also my first time to be inside this posh hotel.

So what was I thinking during the banquet? After having seen Mery change into three wedding gowns during the reception, I said to myself I could not afford to marry soon! I might only be able to afford this kind of wedding celebration when I am in my 30s, after having earned my Ph.D.!

I am certainly not in a hurry. I still want to enjoy life being single, sometimes living life recklessly.

Ah, selfish for me. But I guess we have to go through that certain phase in our lives, don't we?

And I thought she's going to fire me

I was quite afraid that my RA boss would fire me from not doing the job well. These past weeks, I have been feeling lazy and as much as I hate to admit it, been complacent. I don't want to be but I couldn't help it. I feel like I need a big break and then go back to work. How? Where? I don't know. I will be having a vacation in the latter part of July to August anyway so I am thinking I do not need one right now.

This morning, my boss emailed me and told me she's pleased with what I have done. God has saved me again. I should start to take things seriously already, especially now that I have another task from her and I need to write a research statement for a Ph.D. application.

By the way, I am looking forward to tomorrow's event. I will be attending a wedding tomorrow morning. Note that this is my first personal wedding invite as an adult! I hope I will have the time and be inspired enough to write about my own reflections brought about by my attendance to the wedding. For now, congratulations Fanming and Mery. I met this couple through Praise@Work. :)

Of ranting and fumigation

I just received a message from someone we both know and it made me think. When has it become the right thing to do to cover your loneliness and heartache with another person? It just makes me think that you are weak. I am sorry to say that. Why are you running after loneliness? Face it darling! You've been through far less difficulties in life. You have to learn! Just when you are talking about faith and all, you have to face the pain. Live with it! Only then can you be free.

Not through this. Not through another person's body.

I am still bitter. But only when I get reminded of this. I cannot fully understand why many of the peole you and we know support you in your hasty decision to move on by getting in a relationship with someone. You have involved another innocent person in our struggle! How sweet and thoughtful of you to do that! You can move on healthily - recover yourself again until you are fully ready to love. Not like what you've done! You have again taken a short cut to living.

Good luck to you! And to your friends who "like"d your change of status!

I'm fuming now. But I really have no right. That's why I do not want to hear from you anymore nor learn about you from our common friends.

Got something to tell you

Come here.

I've got something to tell you.

This is our little secret.

(Whispers) I dress up to school to check and keep on checking my Facebook account!!!

Disgusting! Narcissistic! Vain!

So yes, I have again gotten access to my Facebook account. I feel so guilty. I should not be doing this to myself especially that there are some tasks piling up. And I know that my inaction has some dire consequences on my future status.

I seriously need to shift gears now. I am losing focus already.

Am not single!

It just occurred to me last night, while taking a shower after gym, that I am actually not single! I am in a relationship with everyone, with everything! I am exclusive to myself, to you, to my research, to my family, to my other friends, to my prayer time, to music, to my writing, to the skies, to the sun, to the trees ... Okay enough said.

Now, how great could that be? I like this! :)

Hmmm... I hope I am not dying

I hope (and pray) I am not dying.

My weight just keeps on going down. Not that I don't like it. I really do! Finally, I am getting the figure that I want myself to have. However, this drastic and continuous drop in my weight is just unbelievable! Every time I weigh myself in the gym, I find myself weighing at least 0.2 kilos less from my previous weigh in. I really like this. But something inside tells me I have a reason to be paranoid.

Things have been going pretty well for me lately (except that I don't have a definite destination yet after July; but the thrill of that uncertainty partially excites me as well). I felt really special on my birthday. I was even able to see Ting on my birthday week; thanks to her Bangladesh trip. I have finally released myself from the bondage of an unhealthy relationship. I finally defended my thesis which my panelists thought to be publishable. I have great relationships with people around me. I seem to be enjoying life! It seems that there is no way to go but up.

Yet, I already experienced this familiar feeling before. It was a wonderful sunny afternoon at Katipunan Avenue. I wanted to take my soiled clothes to Rustan's to have them laundered. I could have easily asked my friends to accompany me but I opted to go alone. On my way to Rustan's, people seemed to be so nice to me. Then the laundry girl even recognized me and greeted me warmly. Going back to my dorm, I initially thought of walking but ended up riding the tricycle. Aboard the tricycle, my mind was filled with happy thoughts; for instance, how beautiful Katipunan is with the sunlight just warm enough to make you appreciate nature's beauty. It was like heaven on earth. And I did have that line coined in my mind that time.

Lovely, indeed, until I literally witnessed my tricycle speeding too fast that I could tell we would collide with the car that's just about to go out of the Burgundy Plaza parking lot!

And it did happen.

I remained conscious the whole time. But things happened too fast I did not even feel that I did a somersault inside the tricyle. Fortunately, that accident only left me a scar on my lower left leg. But it was one experience that brought me face-to-face with the reality of death.

That death could be imminent. That it could come to you when you least expect it.

I don't want to sound too morbid here. I just want to release my slight paranoia. I am scheduled for a minor operation this month. I have not yet made up my mind whether I should go for it. But it seems that I should. I hope things will be okay. And I will live a longer, healthy life.

What are the chances?

What are the chances that I would get my $50 back from a stranger?

I was praying alone in the adoration chapel of the Church of St. Teresa when a man in his late 30s entered the room and started explaining to me that he was in a difficult situation. I could not fully follow his story so I asked him what he wanted from me. He asked if I could spare him $20 to use for petrol top up. I was hesitant to give him any amount because of the possibility that he was just trying to fool me. But I was not really thinking that much and eventually found myself opening my wallet to check whether I have $20. I only saw 10 and 50-dollar bills in my wallet. I gave him the 50-dollar bill with a kind request that he would pay me back. He asked for my phone number but I didn't have a pen and I really didn't rely on his memory to remember my number. Instead, I asked for his hand phone number and promised to give him a call so he will know how to contact me. Grateful, he left immediately.

I continued with my praying, praying as well that this man would return me my money. After I finished praying, I gave him a call but he canceled it. That was when I started doubting about my behavior. Was I just naive and gullible to be carried away by this man's plea? However, a minute or two later, I received a message from the man explaining that he couldn't answer my call that time because he was busy. Around 20 minutes passed, we finally were able to talk over the phone. He apologized for being unable to answer my call. He asked me to sms him my bank account number so he can transfer the money to me.

I have just sent him my bank account number. I hope he will, indeed, pay me. The story here is beyond the money already. I want to see that people can still be trusted. 'Coz, after all, that's what I truly believe in. A stranger I met in Bangkok whom I met again in Singapore because he is a local here, told me this: If you only have kindness and sincerity in your heart, then you can be assured that these are what you get from others as well. Kindness begets kindness; sincerity begets sincerity. Wherever I go, I always get reminded of his words. When I got lost in Ho Chi Minh City and ended up in the outskirts of the city where hardly anyone was able to speak English, I just held on to his words and of course, prayed. Eventually, I found a security guard who was trying to learn English through his electronic dictionary. Asking for directions, I typed my questions, word for word, in his gadget as he translated each word into the local language. Yet despite having finally understood my question, I didn't get the pertinent information from him because he just didn't know. It was already getting dark. Disappointed, I left and decided to find my own way back to the hostel. While waiting for the bus that would hopefully take me back to my hostel, I saw the guard approaching me. He apologized for being unable to give me the right answers to my questions earlier and that he already had the right answers with him. He led me to a motorcycle driver who would then take me to my desired destination, finally! Really, God bless the soul of that kind-hearted security guard! (I finally made it to the Water Puppet Theater from the Dam Sen Water Park.)

That was not the only instance in my travel escapades that I encountered sincerely helpful people. When I carelessly left my handbag that contained my passport in the bus that dropped me and my companion in Malacca, there was a Malaysian policeman that stood out among the many incompetent ones at the Malacca Bus Terminal. After desperate pleas before the many policemen stationed at the terminal, one man took us to his office and promised to help me recover my bag. He let me use his office phone so I could call the Singapore office of the bus company. Eventually, I did get my bag with everything in it. The bus driver was an angel, too, for waiting for me!

These are the moments that make me believe that this world is filled with innately wonderful people. I am not saying, of course, that you be careless and complacent for having acknowledged this fact. We still need to take care. What I am trying to say is for us to keep on believing that we can live in our own ideal place. This is my ideal place - a place of warm-hearted individuals, who wouldn't stop you, even encourage you, in achieving your dreams, be they big or small, modest or grand.

So for you, stranger, please prove me right. Transfer that 50 dollars to my bank account soon.

LOA from writing?

As much as I want to write here, I have been trying to stop myself because I feel like the insights that would come from my writings are mainly to impress someone who might come across this site. I hate this feeling - of being trapped in the concept of fame, of feeling like you are the center of attention. I must admit that sometimes, actually more often than sometimes, I find myself seeking the limelight. However, I usually end up disappointed for being trapped within this imaginary fame.

How can I ever attain internal equilibrium amidst this external insanity?

A smile would make my day

Yes. Your smile. :)

Happy birthday to me!

It's my 27th birthday today. Yes! Lucky 27 for me! I want to thank You for your presence in my life for the past 26 years. It has been one great journey with You. In particular, my 26th year was filled with vital learning experiences that I will have to carry with me for as long as I live here on earth. Thank You for the countless blessings, dear Lord.

I got this message from someone today:
On this same day some years ago, God brought into the world a wonderful child destined to love and be loved and do great things. Never forget your destiny. Never forget who you are!


I will not forget who I am destined to be. I have only thank you's in my heart. :)

I want to be a writer

I just told my Chinese schoolmate, who is sharing this group study room with me, that I want to be a writer.

His reply?

You're capricious!

Indeed, I am.

Singapore's Kopi and milk tea

And so I arrived at SMU at 5 minutes to 3 in the afternoon! I just slept the whole morning away. While in my bed, I was thinking what made me so groggy today. I recalled having a cup of hot milk tea yesterday. That milk tea must have drained me that's why my body was demanding more rest than usual. When I arrived here in Singapore, I got addicted to the hawker coffee (Kopi) I swore I need not drink a Starbucks coffee to comfort myself. Then I got introduced to milk tea which is even better because it is tea and does not have as much undesirable effect as coffee. Like coffee, it keeps me awake the whole day so I can study. Unlike coffee, it does not drain my system too much and so I don't feel as tired in the evening as compared to drinking coffee. The downside is that both coffee and milk tea are sweetened by condensed milk and the aunties in the hawker stalls are quite generous in their sweeteners. I have no plans of getting diabetes so I slowly tried giving up my daily milk tea fix by replacing it with hot tea from the tea leaves my classmate brought me from China. I had been taking hot tea for months until I consumed the whole pack of tea leaves. It was only yesterday that I started drinking milk tea again. And my body must have complained to this foreign liquid in my system.

P.S. About my previous entry here... I realized I was just bitchy yesterday. I believe that what is happening now is for the best of the two of us. I don't have to impose my own beliefs on you. When we were still together, I can recall telling you to find someone else soon so that I would be forced to move on away from you. I did tell you that and now you have done it. I must be thankful to you! Seriously, though, I am grateful for my experience with you. You have awakened many things in me. Just let me heal this pain, which I believe is normal, on my own.

Are men more afraid of loneliness than women?

I am just wondering.

Sometimes, you cross my mind. Then, I start to think how pathetic you can get to move on so quickly when what I have wanted you to do is spend time with yourself so that you will know what it is that really comes from your heart.

But then again, who am I to you?

Still, you should have taken that challenge.

A small dilemma

Aboard the bus to school this morning, I chatted with a former Chinese classmate. He mentioned that he's going to pursue a Ph.D. in Finance at SMU while most of his classmates are going back to China to work, except for one Chinese lady who's got an offer here in Singapore with a starting salary of S$4000.

S$4000? This figure made me wonder again whether pursuing a Ph.D. is really worth it. I understand that I have wants. I can be materialistic, as what I have seen from myself lately. I want a fine life and a Ph.D. student's stipend will not give me that kind of life. Well, maybe it will but at the cost of zero savings. I do not want to count on a high-income husband to provide me with my needs. So how can I live the life I want?

So that amount really got me thinking. Hmmm.. I am in the midst of processing one last Ph.D. application and I feel like I have been urged as well to start looking for a job in Singapore.

But I know I shouldn't let money dictate me. My idealistic me is telling myself that I should pursue my ideals and money will follow. It may not be as much as the amount that I will earn if I pursue money first but life will be more meaningful without allowing oneself dictated by money. That's my idealistic self talking and I have yet to talk to her again.

When I arrived in my workstation, I saw this message from my email inbox: God has a great plan for your life including this Tuesday. What a coincidence! Indeed, I need not worry. I will just have to follow God's plan for me. And it has already been revealed in my heart. All that's left to do is for me to listen carefully to that voice deep inside me.

I want to leave you this beautiful passage from the Bible:
"Just so, your light must shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."

I do hope that I will inspire people's lives as I continue to live my ideals and strive for my dreams in a world where it could be easier to let money take the lead. I pray.

I am back to looking like student!

Things must be getting better for me from what I gathered yesterday, at least. After I bought the book from Times at Plaza Singapura, I passed by an electronic store to check the digital cameras on display. The salesman asked me when I plan to buy one and I told him, only during the IT show next week. He told me to wait till July when prices are likely to fall after the IT show. After giving me his card, he asked if I were a student.

Did I hear it right? He initially assumed that I was a student?! Now, I am back on my feet! *With a big grin on my face!*

Why is this a big deal to me? Because when I was very new here in Singapore, people would usually assume that I was just a college student when I was already 25 then and about to start my second master's. However, after only a term at SMU, I felt like I literally aged. The auntie from Mister Bean, who would usually presume that I was a student, would now ask me if I were a (an SMU) staff. Moreover, my first-term classmate who hadn't seen me for around year frankly told me I aged. I myself could feel the aging process and it was no surprise with all the academic and personal difficulties I was going through then.

So it is a big relief to have someone notice my youthful glow again. I myself can attest to that. Even if I am nursing this heartache, I am much better now. I am carrying less burdens than yesterday. :)

One fine Sunday

Yesterday was one for the books. If I could have that feeling every Sunday here in Singapore, I might as well call this city my home.

After I left the workstation yesterday, I had a brief conversation with Monica, my Chinese classmate, over dinner where I told her how much I appreciate her honesty. To me, she is just a genuine, real person. I admire that despite her brilliance, she is heavily grounded - never boasts and admits her limitations. She does not like Facebook because it is gossip, which after giving some thought, I agree with her. I have this impression that she is wise enough to know the things that should be given more priority and which ones she shouldn't fuss about. Really a hassle-free, straight-to-the-point person.

While I admire these qualities in her, I have also come to accept and appreciate myself for being less of a Monica. It's just great to have a friend who complements myself.

After our dinner, I took the train to Esplanade and walked to Starbucks at One Fullerton where I planned to continue my leisure reading. The sun was already setting when I crossed the bridge that linked Esplanade and the Merlion Park. Those were the moments when I just wished I had a camera with me so I could capture the picturesque scenes I saw. Anyway, I hope I can buy one in July. I eventually got settled at Starbucks and started my reading. It made me feel good that I was able to do this - just hang out in a coffee shop with a good view to read a feel-good book. I felt like my old self, that self back in Manila which was subconsciously suppressed in my 1.5 years in Singapore, was starting to resurface. That feeling of being comfortable, of being able to fit in, that feeling of familiarity was starting to show itself to me, this time, in a foreign country. Maybe, I could be ready to settle here.

This book might as well turn out to my comfort book. It is amusing how Gilbert's manner of thinking reminds me so much of my friend Ting. Her jovial nature aside, Ting has a been a saving grace for me these past days. I never actually thought she'd be the person among my friends who could tolerate my "OA"ness of even managing my Facebook account to prevent myself from broadcasting my heartaches. I want to give her a medal with the title "un'amica stretta", which means a close friend. Got this from Gilbert: with the literal meaning of "stretta" as tight (as in clothing, like a tight skirt), a close friend, in Italian, is one that you can wear tightly, snug against your skin. It is amazing how our frienship has blossomed over the years. I really wish I could do more for her when the time comes that she will need me.

It was already getting late so I decided to walk my way past Boat Quay. It was a light feeling that I had. I could dream I was floating in the air. I was, however, getting hungry because I only had a small sandwich for dinner. After passing by Cavenagh Bridge, I bought the typical Singaporean $1 ice cream sandwich (though I paid $1.2). I chose chocolate chip. It was, by far, the best ice cream experience I have had. What a way to cap the day as I walked by the Singapore river passing by couples or friends hanging out in the river bank.

I know things will get better. Thank You!

Oh I forgot to mention

Oh! Did I mention that I dreamed of a man from my past last night? I don't want to mention his name here. But if he does get the chance to pass by this site, he will know he is the one I am talking about. In my dream, we met again. Though I couldn't tell where the setting of my dream was, the story was that I visited him and brought him something upon learning that he's back from abroad. I initially got the impression that he didn't want to see me anymore, that he wanted to move on already. However, seconds later after he saw me with my present, I could imagine him smiling furtively even if I could only see his back. Although I did not actually see him smile, it felt like he actually did smile and it made me really happy. Dreams are non-logical after all. It made me feel good that he still appreciated me. But I don't want to initiate a communication between the two of us just because of that dream. That would be silly, especially now that I can't deny I have traces of desperation from my recent heartache. This can wait. :)

Not in a hurry,
Diana

Bought the book

I just bought the book, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert at Times Bookstore (Plaza Singapura) for $17.17. A pricey one but I don't mind. I am happy to see myself excited again to read another book. The last one was Dear John which got me in a hopeless romantic mode that eventually led to a personal bottom low the day after Valentine's day. I don't have to recall that beautiful but really painful experience in the midst of my break-up with Ivan.

I declared this Sunday my own holiday. I am not going to study. I will just get myself hooked with this book. The only reason I passed by the workstation where I am now is to get a pen so I can highlight some sentences in the novel that appeal to me and to print the essay which I need to edit later for my Ph.D. application.

So I have to go. I hope I will enjoy reading this piece. It's been a fine Sunday so far. Thank you, Lord!

With a beaming soul,
Diana

Eat, Pray, Love

"When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings." - Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)

This is one book I have to read. Real soon! Rushing to the nearest bookstore tomorrow 'coz it's already 10:30 in the evening now.

A little surprise

I didn't know. I just knew I had the desire to go to mass this afternoon after attending an intercessory prayer session organized by the Praise@Work people. At 5:30 pm, I went to Church of Sts. Peter and Paul to hear mass for the celebration of Corpus Christi. Two minutes late, I had to find a seat in the front pews since the church was already packed with churchgoers. I eventually decided to sit beside a man who was in formal attire. When I asked him to give way for my seat, I was surprised to see my college scholarship benefactor! What a surprise! He didn't recognize me at first and so he had to turn to my direction twice to confirm whether it is really me! It's just so amazing! After the mass, we chatted for a little while and was really amazed that we saw each other in this foreign country. Well, Singapore is not that big and is not far from Manila. But what the heck, it's the suprise element, the coincidence, that really amazed both us. I am really happy to see him. By the way, he is here in Singapore with his wife to attend a conference.

Depression, women and shopping

How are these three related? Back in the Philippines, I could never comprehend how shopping could relieve a woman from depression. My only antidote for loneliness and depression back then was to go to the adoration chapel then to the nearest bookstore to scan for interesting books to read or to borrow a movie from the movie shop. Here in Singapore, I notice that I have slightly changed in terms of how I handle personal crises, especially recently. While I still go the adoration chapel, and I must say, my relatively more ample personal time here in Singapore has given me the luxury of spending more time in prayer, it also seems that I have been bitten by the bug of consumerism that is prevalent in this small city-state. Being a dreamer (and bordering emo) that I am, I once asked a Singaporean lady where she goes when she just wants to spend time with herself apart from shopping. She couldn't give me one destination that she personally visited. According to her, most of her weekends, aside from spending time with her husband, is spent shopping. I thought then that we were just two different individuals: while this woman loves to go shopping, I am the kind of person who prefers to stay at home to read a good piece of novel.

So I never thought shopping could give me this temporal relief from loneliness until recently. In January when I finally broke it off with Ivan, I found myself groping in this foreign land. I felt like I just came here and needed to adjust again. Then slowly, I found myself frequenting the nearby malls for the excuse that I needed to relax in a different way. It was an added excuse for me to say that I never had time in the previous year to explore the nearby malls, to think that my school is situated in the middle of the city! My goal then was to buy things that would make me feel more feminine. I felt that I needed to pamper myself. I needed to make myself more presentable before myself. And that was how this shopping saga started.

Today, the motivation is still the same. I am single. I have no plans to be attached at the moment. Yet, I want to be empowered as a woman. I have this desire to value myself which can be achieved by providing myself with the necessary tools. There are several tools that tackle various aspects of the whole human person. While nurturing my relationship with the Lord is my way of deepening my spiritual aspect, buying clothes and facial products are also ways of treating the personal aspect of my humanity, my womanhood. There definitely is more to be done like exercise, good food, healthy attitude towards life, etc.

However, at the end of the day, we all have to balance all these activities. I am slowly becoming guilty of my spending habits. I am starting to lose myself in the process. It seemed that last night, I had subconsciously taken my joke seriously. I jokingly told my schoolmate, who went shopping with me, that sadness must be a valid excuse for spending profusely. I even added that it would be great if there is a god who gives away large sums of money every time a woman is sad. Hmmm.. I really went overboard. The god was my bank account which I have yet to check if I am still spending within my own means. I am reminded again that there is no such thing as a free lunch.

While I still have this urge to accumulate more dresses and shoes, I just have to limit my consumption habit if I want to have a healthy financial record. After all, if my desire is to be empowered, I need to be able to live on my own shoes without depending on my father.

Still, there's one thing that I have proven to myself here in Singapore: shopping does relieve sadness temporarily. Maybe being in a foreign country is a factor to this conclusion. However, as with all the other temporal doses of depression like pills and alcohol, shopping did leave me sobbing in the library last night. I still can't get over the fact that you have left me already!

An emotional wreck

Since Monday, I have become an emotional wreck. It's already Friday and it just sank in to me that I actually have allowed myself to wallow in pain by constantly checking his Facebook account and annoucing my feelings in my wall posts. Oh, dear, how pathetic I have become!

Why am I doing this? It seems to me that I have been subconsciously seeking for sympathy, something that I can't even give to myself. Recalling my history with Ivan, I was the oppressor and by doing so, I have badly oppressed myself as well. Ivan deserves all the sympathy he can get! No wonder he's got 20 or more friends liking his status of an "in a relationship with ...". I never ever got that statistic in my whole Facebook life. It really sank in to me how I had terribly hurt him in our relationship. Now, it's his time to rise from the abyss that I had thrown him into. And yet, I still have the urge to pull him back there. How selfish I could get. This is no longer selfish. This is evil!

And so I have followed a friend's advice by removing him from my list of Facebook friends and even in YM. This could be a start. The coming week ought to be a brighter week. I will give myself to sympathy. Somewhere down the road, I should stop wallowing in pain like I were the victim ('coz I am just not, sad to say)! I will find myself again. After all, next week happens to be my birthday week.

Oh, honestly I am lost. :(

Smile, darling

I feel way much better today. I raise up all the glory to the One who dwells in my heart!

Last night, I attended a prayer meeting with Praise@Work. One thing that remained in my thoughts after that meeting was the insight I got from a priest's lecture. On my way home, I figured that if you face something difficult out of love, then that sacrifice must be worth it. And the pain that comes with it must be nothing compared to the fulfillment that one feels from loving. I could remember Ivan telling me (and he did show it to me) that he is willing to go through difficulties with me because of his love for me. I could never understand that before until now. I have figured that I will not mind this pain that I am experiencing now because it is my way of showing my love for him. It is my way of loving him, beyond romantic love. In time, I will learn to set him free from myself. In time, I will learn to sincerely pray that he will find joy in his new relationship. And when that time comes, I know I would say to myself that the pain that I went through was nothing compared to the joy of letting go.

So now, I can smile. I choose to smile. Smile for me, too. :)

With a blooming heart and a smiling face,
Diana

Pain in beauty

I walked myself to Plaza Singapura from SMU this afternoon on a 3-inch pair of heels. Oh gosh! It was a struggle for a woman who is not used to wearing them! My feet hurt now. Good that I'm back in my workstation and I can finally rest my terribly exhausted soles.

Why in the first place did I decide to wear heels today? Now that I'm nearing my graduation, I figured that I need to use the only pair of pumps that I brought to Singapore from Manila with me. After July, I do not know yet where I'll be. I am still awaiting the results of my Ph.D. applications. In the meantime, I might just have to consider finding a job in case I don't get an offer. But I do hope I would get an offer so I can live in another country. But this is not really something for me to decide so I will just wait and let the outcome determine my next destination.

Another reason for wearing heels is that I want to be more feminine. Hehehe! While showing people that I feel comfortable wearing these heels, I was deep inside complaining about the price
that you have to pay for beauty! Oh darling.

My spirit is really down today. I am slowly starting to be affected by my ex-boyfriend's recent relationship. I was not able to resist the urge to visit her FB account. I even googled her earlier today. She seems to be a nice woman. And to readily accept someone who seems to be an emotional wreck from his previous relationship is a noble thing to do. So this new girlfriend must be a wonderful person. I was thinking on my excruciating walk (this must be a hyperbole already) back from the mall to SMU that I would not be surprised if my ex would marry this girl. Oh, poor me! I would be left alone in this world. :(

So that was what I was thinking. Then I started to ask myself if I am ready to marry someone soon. Answer is it depends. I just can't imagine the difficulty of studying and rearing a child at the same time. But it is a challenge I am willing to take as long as I find the right person to marry. And I believe that there is a feeling associated to being in a relationship with the right person. I have yet to experience that feeling but I will keep on believing that there exists such a
different feeling.

Okay. That's it for now. Too much for daydreaming when I am being paid to work on my research.

With an aching heart and exhausted soles,
Diana

Welcoming myself

So what brings me here? I have been longing to start my own blog simply to put my thoughts into writing. I expect that doing so will somehow place a structure on my wild imagination that has a tendency to go awry.

And yet, what compels me now to start writing here is a recent experience.

I have resigned to the practice of sharing this experience to my friends and announcing it in Facebook. After all, my friends have known too much of the vicious cycle that I went through with this person that I have become the woman (boy) who cried wolf.

Still, it is painful. Even if I personally do not deserve to have this time of grieving, I demand my own moment of pining for this man who has finally found someone else to love him. It must be my ego that got hit - the fact that he went ahead of me in finding someone else. But I am in no hurry to find a partner. I committed myself to solitude this year if only to process and heal the wounds of my previous relationship. But I was caught off guard. I didn't expect him to replace me too soon. I must admit that there is still a part of me that longs for us to be together. However, that same fraction of me that longs for him is just not enough to keep the us going. Don't get me wrong. He did treat me well while we were together. He even followed me to this foreign country when I came here to pursue graduate studies. It's just that I do not have that strong identity to be with someone whose ideals are different from mine.

Move on. Yes, it is the most logical thing to do. But just allow me to have this time to cry and pine over this news. I miss him a lot. I miss him. But I don't even know what missing him actually means. I cannot fight for him because I know that standing firmly by my decision to break up with him has been the one right thing that I did for myself since I got into a relationship with this person.

Oh, I need to go back now to revising my thesis.

With a bleeding heart,
Diana