Moments with Papa

I want to jot down my precious moments with Papa.

This afternoon, I called him via Ate Ruby’s phone. He was lying on his bed, covered in blanket ‘coz he was feeling cold. We talked about random stuff. I told him about my reiki session - my neighbor had invited me to attend her class - and how it can be good to heal pains beyond what medicine can do. He indulged me in my sharing and seemed receptive about holistic healing. I told him about my convo with Rene, about where we are gonna be buried - and he said, it would depend on the children. I asked about Pryce Gardens funeral park at Mambatangan - he said it’s nice, Uncle Inting is buried there. I told him about my St Peter life plan - that I got it 8 years ago, and that the price has increased so much since then. I am planning to get another one, and just thinking about which casket to get. We talked about Uncle Eddie who was cremated, and he said he would prefer to be cremated as it doesn’t take up much space. I shared with him that I contributed to Uncle Ed’s funeral expenses - after all, Uncle Ed drafted my appeal letter to Ateneo so that I can get a more generous scholarship. Papa must have missed Uncle Ed. They were good friends before.

Then he shared that the other night, he dreamed of Lola Apay. They were in the sala (living room), and Lola came to report to him the cocks outside were fighting. Papa saw that the cocks have a spur (tari) that would kill the cocks while fighting. ‘Ma, palayo diha Ma!’ (Ma, stay away there, Ma!), Papa warned Lola. Lola didn’t say anything. But she went closer to Papa and kissed his head twice from behind. 

I felt happy to hear that dream. I told Papa that he has a special place in Lola’s heart. I recall when I was young, Lola would tell me that Papa is sacrificing a lot for us his children that he can’t even buy his own pants!

I asked Papa how he felt about that dream. He said that it was probably a sign na ‘dili na siya magdugay.’ (He won’t last long anymore.) 🥹😢 

He’s saying that he’s been getting weaker and weaker. He has counted that he’s fallen 7 times. But the last time - which happened in the middle of the night, and I saw him being treated by Mae and Aty Ruby - was something he cannot recall at all.

I opened the idea of him talking to Mama, and asking forgiveness. He said it’s hard because she doesn’t ever change. I reminded him that it’s not about Mama changing. But that no one’s perfect and we should ask forgiveness. And it’s also for Mama’s healing that he reaches out to her. I shared with him that I do not want Mama to regret not reaching out to him in these times, and maybe he can help by talking to her gently. *at least, I have expressed my thoughts with him*

***

Dear Lord, grant Papa the grace to prepare himself for the day when you call him into Your kingdom. But thank You so so much that you’re giving me and the family this opportunity to get into Papa’s heart and mind. May this current journey of ours (I feel like we are walking with Papa to his resting place…) bring healing to Papa and to the whole family. You and Mama Mary have been with us all the way. Thank You so much. We continue to pray for your graces and comforting embrace, Lord and Mama Mary. 

***

December 8, 2022 - Feast of the Immaculate Conception

Today was a miracle. I had a video call with Papa and Mae, when Mae was visiting Papa at the ICU. Two days earlier - he was delusional/psychotic, not taking his meds and expressing his distrust and pains about anyone in the family. He had to be tied up in the ICU, in case he’d remove the tubes attached to his body once he wakes up. 

But on Dec 8, he calmed down. During the video call, Mae and I checked on him and tried to clarify with him his ill feelings about us - where it was coming from, etc. (While the words that came out from his mouth before were disturbing, we were glad because he was able to express his hurts and pains.). He shared that he was afraid to die, was feeling hopeless and that was generally why he acted that way two days ago. He shared the he appreciated talking to Jaymee, a psychologist. He appreciated Fr Jun Tan’s visit - that the annointing is not just for the dying. We asked him why he’s afraid to die - it’s because he’d leave his children behind, and can’t trust Mama enough to look after the welfare of us his children. Mae and I assured him that we can already look after ourselves, and he’s already sacrificed so much for us that we can stand by ourselves now. That we love him and we’ll do everything we can to look after him. We assured him that we will never fight over our shares of the properties that he and Lola/Lolo would have left behind. We told him that we want for him a peaceful life. That if he were to leave this world, he would be at peace with it. And we will help him in his journey. I expressed to him that this day is such a miracle. That for a long time, Mae and I have been trying to go deep in his thoughts and feelings, especially about dying and his spiritual life (we also talked his prayer life).

I told Rene in the evening how deeply healing to me my convo with Papa that day. It felt like the walls around my heart just got torn down. (I had earlier expressed that I find it hard to connect with anyone even if the intention is there.) Papa is such an important figure in my life. 

***

When are you going to let go of your dad in your head?

I saw my therapist last Friday evening, for the first time this year. 

I thought I wanted to bring up with her a silly thought that often comes up to me when I am home in Sta Fe, Philippines. 

You see, I am turning 40 this year, and have achieved things more than an average woman may have achieved. 

And yet, there is a part of me that longs for some verbal recognition/appreciation from my father. 

Silly as it may be, when I am home in Sta Fe, and I find myself doing simple things that Papa would have witnessed - like taking my kid for a walk, or noble things like mediating family tensions, - a silly thought comes up to my mind. 

"Papa must be really proud of me."

It is a small thing. But it comes up to my mind every now and then, especially when Papa is around. 

So I thought I'd process this with a therapist. What is really going on with me, why do I still seek recognition at this age from my own father, no matter how much I have achieved? 

The therapist figured that my father is not the type who expresses his appreciation openly. I grew up without that verbal appreciation, even if I knew deep down that he appreciates my life choices (like doing well in school and getting a well-paying job). Processing this now, I have realized that Papa has also been going through his own issues about not being openly appreciated by the people close to him. So granted, his appreciation toolkit had been limited. Sadly, I only recall disapprovals and zero appreciation about my mom's actions while growing up. I guess, I have also implicitly taken up her place, hoping that if I do things right for myself, my father would also see my mom (through me) differently...in a good way. 

[I am saying all these with full acceptance of what life was, from my point of view, as I was growing up. I am not angry towards Papa There are things I cannot change. Parents are humans, too. They give all their all to their children, but they have their own shortcomings, too. I know this because I am a parent myself. Many times, our parenting approaches are functions of our upbringings and narratives or realizations about life.]

So this prompted my therapist to ask me, "when are you going to let go of your dad?" She meant, let go of my dad in my head. 

This means I have to find my self-worth from within me. I serve my family in ways I can. I am raising my own kids without placing financial burden on my father. I am charting my own path based on what I believe is the right path. I seek guidance from professionals and friends - young and old - to be better than who I am today. I think I have earned my self-worth. I think I am good enough. 

I am good enough. I will do things right because I am happy to do so. Doing so makes me feel good, not because I seek appreciation and recognition from others, including from my father. 

And going through this personal issue and being able to unpack this actually give me the opportunity to do things differently, as a daughter, as a mother. Lord, grant me the grace to find beauty and value in the most mundane and least extraordinary of things and experiences. May I be able to appreciate the beauty in the humans around me.  

Unpacking this personal issue led me to reflect on how I am to my children. 

Do I fully express my appreciation to them? Verbally and in spirit? What I learned from my relationship with my dad is that appreciation has to be expressed verbally, too, not just in spirit. I had a conversation with Umi last night, and she said she does feel secure that she is fully appreciated at home, including by me. But I think, this type of conversation may have to be done every now and then, with each member of the household.