Sunday, March 30, 2014

Slowly changing, I'm afraid not for the better

I sense that I am slowly changing. I have become less patient. And recently, I have this strong urge to be a dictator. I want things done my way. If they don't, I easily get mad. I may not always express my anger but I really am mad deep inside.

I honestly do not want to see myself this way. But I just feel too much burden on my shoulders. I feel pressured to entertain my mom while she's here. She's done us a good favor to come here and take care of Umi. But I hope she can stand on her own here and manage to become comfortable in this new place. That way, I do not have to be with her every step of the way. And she can perhaps spend some weekends on her own as I spend mine with Umi.

And the resentment is growing that R did not join us immediately here. He could have joined us or at least become more aggressive in finding a job the moment we agreed to relocate here. Why did he allow such time to pass for us to be separated? I feel like I have changed, quite far from the person I was in Manila. And he might not be able to know me anymore. He would not understand me anymore. And I am afraid that more misunderstandings are bound to come when he finally joins us here.

I certainly don't want to see myself less loving, less patient, more irritable, more practical, more wordly, more rigid and stiff. But I am afraid I am slowly becoming so. I hope things will get better at home. And I will be blessed with a fresher, better mindset.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Damn exhausted

Life has been good. We have been blessed to be relocated to Singapore. R could not join us yet but we're blessed that my mother has agreed to join me here to take care of Umi. I have been blessed with a good job that I enjoy (despite my struggles, but who doesn't?) and that allows me to support my family here.

This afternoon, I had some fun moments with my daughter. I even had "tea" with her at the balcony where my 19-month-old kiddo was seated across me drinking juice as I drank tea and we both munched on Ding Dong.





But let me say this. I am just emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. It is also not helping that I have a headache. There are demands at work that I sometimes cannot not keep up with (not to mention my struggles with my cramming habit). At home, Umi makes my day. But I also cannot deny that sometimes, she keeps me exhausted with her demand for attention. I know I should be spending time with her when I am home. But there are times when I have to deal with work even at home and juggling (or even worrying about) multiple things at once just exhausts me. Then there is that weekend cleaning, which I enjoy doing, but honestly also exhausts me physically. And why a seemingly simple instruction is just so hard to follow. I hate it why I have to do it myself when I should be relaxing or playing with Umi on weekends or running in the park or shopping for work clothes. There is just too much for too little time. And I feel that all the weight is actually on me. Everything is on me. And all the help that I get is just not enough.

I just want to cry now. I want to wail but I don't want anyone to hear me so I can't actually do it. But I am just so tired. Tired. Deadbeat TIRED. I am afraid this could be a start of a depression. I now somehow understand how a seemingly good life could turn upside down.

I want a break. A break from work and from being a mother, a wife, or a daughter. I just miss that liberty of being with myself. I have been dreaming of a vacation. Every break from work, I want to optimize because I do not get such breaks all the time. That is why I have been planning for vacations. But even that is exhausting me. Why I have to coordinate my time with other people, even family members, when this is my life, this is my vacation, and taking a break is important, for my sanity.

I wish life will get easier. I am just damn exhausted. Oh God help me.