Welcome baby Pax!

R and I are expecting again! 

I am about 23 weeks pregnant with baby Pax. 

The first trimester was more challenging than during my first pregnancy. I would throw up anywhere, anytime. Good thing I always ended up in a toilet nearby. Still, I was thankful that stage did not prevent me from reporting to and even traveling for work. Now, I am on my second trimester, the best stage of pregnancy! I just bought a swimsuit for my growing belly. I know I have to exercise to keep me from gaining too fast, for Pax to feel relaxed inside me, and hopefully for a smooth delivery come January 2015.

R and I are delighted of the thought of our growing family. We know it will be challenging. We were overwhelmed when we discovered about my pregnancy. But we know it will be fun with you and Ate Umi around. We are looking forward to take good care of you, Pax!

In the meantime, I will try my very best to keep you safe inside me. Hopefully, I will also be able to share some nice stories with you (when you grow up) while you were inside me for nine months. I love you. Mommy and Papa and Ate Umi love you. 

The big discovery one 27 May 2014 early morning.

Growing baby Pax

Slowly changing, I'm afraid not for the better

I sense that I am slowly changing. I have become less patient. And recently, I have this strong urge to be a dictator. I want things done my way. If they don't, I easily get mad. I may not always express my anger but I really am mad deep inside.

I honestly do not want to see myself this way. But I just feel too much burden on my shoulders. I feel pressured to entertain my mom while she's here. She's done us a good favor to come here and take care of Umi. But I hope she can stand on her own here and manage to become comfortable in this new place. That way, I do not have to be with her every step of the way. And she can perhaps spend some weekends on her own as I spend mine with Umi.

And the resentment is growing that R did not join us immediately here. He could have joined us or at least become more aggressive in finding a job the moment we agreed to relocate here. Why did he allow such time to pass for us to be separated? I feel like I have changed, quite far from the person I was in Manila. And he might not be able to know me anymore. He would not understand me anymore. And I am afraid that more misunderstandings are bound to come when he finally joins us here.

I certainly don't want to see myself less loving, less patient, more irritable, more practical, more wordly, more rigid and stiff. But I am afraid I am slowly becoming so. I hope things will get better at home. And I will be blessed with a fresher, better mindset.

Damn exhausted

Life has been good. We have been blessed to be relocated to Singapore. R could not join us yet but we're blessed that my mother has agreed to join me here to take care of Umi. I have been blessed with a good job that I enjoy (despite my struggles, but who doesn't?) and that allows me to support my family here.

This afternoon, I had some fun moments with my daughter. I even had "tea" with her at the balcony where my 19-month-old kiddo was seated across me drinking juice as I drank tea and we both munched on Ding Dong.

But let me say this. I am just emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. It is also not helping that I have a headache. There are demands at work that I sometimes cannot not keep up with (not to mention my struggles with my cramming habit). At home, Umi makes my day. But I also cannot deny that sometimes, she keeps me exhausted with her demand for attention. I know I should be spending time with her when I am home. But there are times when I have to deal with work even at home and juggling (or even worrying about) multiple things at once just exhausts me. Then there is that weekend cleaning, which I enjoy doing, but honestly also exhausts me physically. And why a seemingly simple instruction is just so hard to follow. I hate it why I have to do it myself when I should be relaxing or playing with Umi on weekends or running in the park or shopping for work clothes. There is just too much for too little time. And I feel that all the weight is actually on me. Everything is on me. And all the help that I get is just not enough.

I just want to cry now. I want to wail but I don't want anyone to hear me so I can't actually do it. But I am just so tired. Tired. Deadbeat TIRED. I am afraid this could be a start of a depression. I now somehow understand how a seemingly good life could turn upside down.

I want a break. A break from work and from being a mother, a wife, or a daughter. I just miss that liberty of being with myself. I have been dreaming of a vacation. Every break from work, I want to optimize because I do not get such breaks all the time. That is why I have been planning for vacations. But even that is exhausting me. Why I have to coordinate my time with other people, even family members, when this is my life, this is my vacation, and taking a break is important, for my sanity.

I wish life will get easier. I am just damn exhausted. Oh God help me.

Whatever happened to our Boracay wedding?

I am referring to my earlier post where we set our wedding on Dec 30, 2013 in Boracay. We later moved the date to Jan 3, 2014.

But what happened?

Rene and I were just too blessed to be able to hold our wedding in Manila four months earlier. With some help from our family members, relatives, and friends, we were able to pull off a church wedding within three weeks of preparation. Our memorable wedding fell on August 28, 2013.

Looking back, it was the kind of wedding we wanted. Simple, modest, real, fun -- we would like to think so. Rene and I both wanted to have a simple wedding but I honestly did not have an idea what simple was like. The Lord led us to the right people and places to discover what simple for us actually meant. Indeed, weddings are blessings. But to us, our wedding was a miracle.

Our little flower girl

Our delicious wedding cake

Thank you all for your help. You know who you are. We are blessed to have you in our lives.

My very first newspaper article

Welcome to my world as an economist.

http://www.fz.com/content/another-year-critical-reforms

I thank the Lord for this wonderful opportunity. I will keep on praying that He will provide me with wisdom and clarity of thought as I perform this job.