I want to jot down my precious moments with Papa.
This afternoon, I called him via Ate Ruby’s phone. He was lying on his bed, covered in blanket ‘coz he was feeling cold. We talked about random stuff. I told him about my reiki session - my neighbor had invited me to attend her class - and how it can be good to heal pains beyond what medicine can do. He indulged me in my sharing and seemed receptive about holistic healing. I told him about my convo with Rene, about where we are gonna be buried - and he said, it would depend on the children. I asked about Pryce Gardens funeral park at Mambatangan - he said it’s nice, Uncle Inting is buried there. I told him about my St Peter life plan - that I got it 8 years ago, and that the price has increased so much since then. I am planning to get another one, and just thinking about which casket to get. We talked about Uncle Eddie who was cremated, and he said he would prefer to be cremated as it doesn’t take up much space. I shared with him that I contributed to Uncle Ed’s funeral expenses - after all, Uncle Ed drafted my appeal letter to Ateneo so that I can get a more generous scholarship. Papa must have missed Uncle Ed. They were good friends before.
Then he shared that the other night, he dreamed of Lola Apay. They were in the sala (living room), and Lola came to report to him the cocks outside were fighting. Papa saw that the cocks have a spur (tari) that would kill the cocks while fighting. ‘Ma, palayo diha Ma!’ (Ma, stay away there, Ma!), Papa warned Lola. Lola didn’t say anything. But she went closer to Papa and kissed his head twice from behind.
I felt happy to hear that dream. I told Papa that he has a special place in Lola’s heart. I recall when I was young, Lola would tell me that Papa is sacrificing a lot for us his children that he can’t even buy his own pants!
I asked Papa how he felt about that dream. He said that it was probably a sign na ‘dili na siya magdugay.’ (He won’t last long anymore.) 🥹😢
He’s saying that he’s been getting weaker and weaker. He has counted that he’s fallen 7 times. But the last time - which happened in the middle of the night, and I saw him being treated by Mae and Aty Ruby - was something he cannot recall at all.
I opened the idea of him talking to Mama, and asking forgiveness. He said it’s hard because she doesn’t ever change. I reminded him that it’s not about Mama changing. But that no one’s perfect and we should ask forgiveness. And it’s also for Mama’s healing that he reaches out to her. I shared with him that I do not want Mama to regret not reaching out to him in these times, and maybe he can help by talking to her gently. *at least, I have expressed my thoughts with him*
***
Dear Lord, grant Papa the grace to prepare himself for the day when you call him into Your kingdom. But thank You so so much that you’re giving me and the family this opportunity to get into Papa’s heart and mind. May this current journey of ours (I feel like we are walking with Papa to his resting place…) bring healing to Papa and to the whole family. You and Mama Mary have been with us all the way. Thank You so much. We continue to pray for your graces and comforting embrace, Lord and Mama Mary.
***
December 8, 2022 - Feast of the Immaculate Conception
Today was a miracle. I had a video call with Papa and Mae, when Mae was visiting Papa at the ICU. Two days earlier - he was delusional/psychotic, not taking his meds and expressing his distrust and pains about anyone in the family. He had to be tied up in the ICU, in case he’d remove the tubes attached to his body once he wakes up.
But on Dec 8, he calmed down. During the video call, Mae and I checked on him and tried to clarify with him his ill feelings about us - where it was coming from, etc. (While the words that came out from his mouth before were disturbing, we were glad because he was able to express his hurts and pains.). He shared that he was afraid to die, was feeling hopeless and that was generally why he acted that way two days ago. He shared the he appreciated talking to Jaymee, a psychologist. He appreciated Fr Jun Tan’s visit - that the annointing is not just for the dying. We asked him why he’s afraid to die - it’s because he’d leave his children behind, and can’t trust Mama enough to look after the welfare of us his children. Mae and I assured him that we can already look after ourselves, and he’s already sacrificed so much for us that we can stand by ourselves now. That we love him and we’ll do everything we can to look after him. We assured him that we will never fight over our shares of the properties that he and Lola/Lolo would have left behind. We told him that we want for him a peaceful life. That if he were to leave this world, he would be at peace with it. And we will help him in his journey. I expressed to him that this day is such a miracle. That for a long time, Mae and I have been trying to go deep in his thoughts and feelings, especially about dying and his spiritual life (we also talked his prayer life).
I told Rene in the evening how deeply healing to me my convo with Papa that day. It felt like the walls around my heart just got torn down. (I had earlier expressed that I find it hard to connect with anyone even if the intention is there.) Papa is such an important figure in my life.
***
