I saw my therapist last Friday evening, for the first time this year.
I thought I wanted to bring up with her a silly thought that often comes up to me when I am home in Sta Fe, Philippines.
You see, I am turning 40 this year, and have achieved things more than an average woman may have achieved.
And yet, there is a part of me that longs for some verbal recognition/appreciation from my father.
Silly as it may be, when I am home in Sta Fe, and I find myself doing simple things that Papa would have witnessed - like taking my kid for a walk, or noble things like mediating family tensions, - a silly thought comes up to my mind.
"Papa must be really proud of me."
It is a small thing. But it comes up to my mind every now and then, especially when Papa is around.
So I thought I'd process this with a therapist. What is really going on with me, why do I still seek recognition at this age from my own father, no matter how much I have achieved?
The therapist figured that my father is not the type who expresses his appreciation openly. I grew up without that verbal appreciation, even if I knew deep down that he appreciates my life choices (like doing well in school and getting a well-paying job). Processing this now, I have realized that Papa has also been going through his own issues about not being openly appreciated by the people close to him. So granted, his appreciation toolkit had been limited. Sadly, I only recall disapprovals and zero appreciation about my mom's actions while growing up. I guess, I have also implicitly taken up her place, hoping that if I do things right for myself, my father would also see my mom (through me) differently...in a good way.
[I am saying all these with full acceptance of what life was, from my point of view, as I was growing up. I am not angry towards Papa There are things I cannot change. Parents are humans, too. They give all their all to their children, but they have their own shortcomings, too. I know this because I am a parent myself. Many times, our parenting approaches are functions of our upbringings and narratives or realizations about life.]
So this prompted my therapist to ask me, "when are you going to let go of your dad?" She meant, let go of my dad in my head.
This means I have to find my self-worth from within me. I serve my family in ways I can. I am raising my own kids without placing financial burden on my father. I am charting my own path based on what I believe is the right path. I seek guidance from professionals and friends - young and old - to be better than who I am today. I think I have earned my self-worth. I think I am good enough.
I am good enough. I will do things right because I am happy to do so. Doing so makes me feel good, not because I seek appreciation and recognition from others, including from my father.
And going through this personal issue and being able to unpack this actually give me the opportunity to do things differently, as a daughter, as a mother. Lord, grant me the grace to find beauty and value in the most mundane and least extraordinary of things and experiences. May I be able to appreciate the beauty in the humans around me.
Unpacking this personal issue led me to reflect on how I am to my children.
Do I fully express my appreciation to them? Verbally and in spirit? What I learned from my relationship with my dad is that appreciation has to be expressed verbally, too, not just in spirit. I had a conversation with Umi last night, and she said she does feel secure that she is fully appreciated at home, including by me. But I think, this type of conversation may have to be done every now and then, with each member of the household.
