So what happened on my 27th birthday? This entry has been sitting in my draft folder since June 11, the day after my birthday. It is only now that I got the interest to edit and finally post it here.
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A hug, a warm embrace, with my roommate completed yesterday's celebration. Many times I had longed to have that experience with her. But oftentimes, too, I would get hesitant. Finally, I did it last night. It must be the alcohol that pushed me to do so despite the hesitation. I just wanted to thank Karen for such a loving and caring roommate to me.
All I asked for my birthday was to be able to celebrate it meaningfully with people who are dear to me. Also, I hoped that I would at least be able to find peace within myself after the emotional struggle that I went through last week. Apparently, those prayers have been answered. It is amazing how He sends instruments among your friends and even among strangers, in the books that you read, in the thoughts that cross your mind, to have your prayers answered.
I feel like I am about to close a chapter of my life pretty soon. I hate and like this feeling at the same time. I hate it because I am becoming egoistic in thinking that my life is a big movie production and I am the lead actress. I find it so silly to even entertain this thought. But it does, oftentimes, crosses my mind. At the same time, I like the stability that comes with facing a clear transition of a certain phase in my life - I am about to finish my studies here in Singapore and I feel like my hardwork has paid off (Although, I am also aware that I am about to face the consequences of my past shortcomings in the coming days or years. But they don't worry me too much now.). Moreover, the uncertainty that comes with this transition thrills me.
Such feeling may have led me to seek for a meaningful birthday celebration this year. After all, my birthday falls a month short from my possible final departure from Singapore. And this could mean physically letting go of my schoolmates, newfound friends, housemates, habits formed while in this country, habits that can only stay here, and many more. I feel like I need to catch up on my personal relationships with the people around me. I do not want to take anyone and anything for granted in this blessing that is Singapore.
So my birthday celebration actually started last Sunday. My 'One Fine Sunday' entry will tell you so. The rest of the days were spent spending time with my schoolmates, talking to my family and friends over the phone, and emails with friends back in the Philippines. On Thursday, I donned my newly bought pair of pants and polka dot top for the superstitious belief of good luck on my birthday. In the morning, I had a brief online conference with my high school friends Mai Mai and Marale. After having lunch at the usual place (Koufu), I invited two of my schoolmates for dessert. The guy turned down my invitation. I acted being insulted by his reply but he really insisted on his decision. I guessed he just was not comfortable chatting with me and my female schoolmate about girl stuff! :)
So Zoey, the female schoolmate, and I ended up having dessert at The Coffee Club. It was a remarkable experience to be able to talk sincerely to someone whom you see often but don't really get the chance to converse in a deep way everyday. I found out that we share the same dreams and ideals. We agreed on our "academic crushes." For instance, we have a crush on this young and brilliant professor who recently just got hitched. Also, we have this desire to be a woman who is gentle and feminine on the outside but really strong on the inside. Moreover, one of the reasons why we dream to be part of this academic profession is our belief that this profession is filled with people with pleasant personalities and ideal characters.
At 5:30 in the afternoon, I attended mass at the Church of Sts. Peter and Paul. It has become a habit for me to attend mass on my birthday.
Dinner was spent with my housemates. The closed Yuan Fa Claypot Rice stall at Chinatown turned out to be a blessing in disguise as we enjoyed our relatively classy Din Tai Fung dinner at Raffles Mall. Ready for dessert, John disappeared and came back with this sinful and extremely rich chocolate cake with four candles. Erwin, afterwards, insisted that we all have a drink so we proceeded to Harry's at Chijmes. What was initially planned as just a light drink turned out heavy for me! I got drunk but not really wasted. Erwin, my evil housemate (:P), gave me two shots of the strongest alcoholic drink in the house - Bacardi 151. Had I known that 151 actually stands for 151 proof, I would decline the offer. Anyway, I did find out that I have a relatively strong resistance to that drink. Thanks to Erwin?!
Conversations when I was already tipsy circled around my life and ideals and John's mom who's having a hard time accepting Franz as her son's girlfriend, from what I can recall. I can remember Erwin insisting on me that there is no such thing as an ideal place and situation - I had to wake up; John asking me what I wanted in life, to which my answer was happiness, and that how I defined it and my answer was in my relationship with God. My reply to the last question left the two guys, John and Erwin, feeling awkward. One thing, though, that they nailed from me that night was that I had no regrets breaking up with Ivan. (Hahaha! Why do I always bring this up? Does it mean that I am just forcing myself to have no regrets? Hahaha! I won't say anything anymore!)
We talked about more things. I can recall myself telling John that his mother is missing a lot in closing her doors on Franz. And that Erwin's mom, as Erwin told me, seems to be like John's. And that John's mom believes that she's an extraordinary woman (and I thought to myself, I am just like his mom!). Now, recalling our conversations and writing them down here slowly brings me back to my physical state of drunkenness that night so I better stop.
You know, when I first learned about Ivan's new girlfriend, I instantly emailed the same message to Ting and Karen. Among other things that I said in my email was that all I really needed then was for my friends to make me feel that I don't need a boyfriend. So far, that request has been granted, not just by Karen and Ting, but also by my other friends. I once told one of my friends, I can't remember who, that it would be great to have male friends who would care for me without malice. I hope I have found that in my housemates. I really want to spend this year on my own and in the company of genuine friends. I do not have to involve myself in an exclusive relationship. There are still a lot of pain, bitterness, and other issues that I need to process within me. And I need my friends to help me bring myself back to my own feet again.
We eventually headed back to our apartment at around 1 am. The following day, I rose up early and went straight to school to discover an offline message from a special someone from the past. It was really nice to hear from this guy. I would not deny that I was somehow expecting him to greet me on my birthday. I am really glad he did and that we were able to catch up briefly on each other's lives. If I can have it my way, he would be the one for me. But this is not for me to tell. And I am just not ready. And for all I know, he might have found someone else already. I don't have room to worry about that now.
I was also more than happy that everyone in my family managed to greet me on my birthday. I had to keep on reminding my father to greet me because he would usually forget. He did greet me and said 'I love you' to me. If you know my story with my father, you would understand how important it is for me to be told just that by him. Ivan also greeted me. It made me feel that I am still a good person to deserve a birthday greeting from someone whom I have hurt badly.
My week-long birthday celebration was concluded by Ting's stopover in Changi for her trip to Bangladesh. We spent hours talking. She is just one special person to me. I enjoyed her antics! And I realized after our tete-a-tete that I have a lot to learn from her in becoming miss independent, you know, on still being able to keep your identity despite having a boyfriend and not relying everything on the guy. :)
So the world did smile to me, in more ways than one, on my birthday. And I know it will keep on smiling to me until God knows when.
Smile! *click*
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