How are these three related? Back in the Philippines, I could never comprehend how shopping could relieve a woman from depression. My only antidote for loneliness and depression back then was to go to the adoration chapel then to the nearest bookstore to scan for interesting books to read or to borrow a movie from the movie shop. Here in Singapore, I notice that I have slightly changed in terms of how I handle personal crises, especially recently. While I still go the adoration chapel, and I must say, my relatively more ample personal time here in Singapore has given me the luxury of spending more time in prayer, it also seems that I have been bitten by the bug of consumerism that is prevalent in this small city-state. Being a dreamer (and bordering emo) that I am, I once asked a Singaporean lady where she goes when she just wants to spend time with herself apart from shopping. She couldn't give me one destination that she personally visited. According to her, most of her weekends, aside from spending time with her husband, is spent shopping. I thought then that we were just two different individuals: while this woman loves to go shopping, I am the kind of person who prefers to stay at home to read a good piece of novel.
So I never thought shopping could give me this temporal relief from loneliness until recently. In January when I finally broke it off with Ivan, I found myself groping in this foreign land. I felt like I just came here and needed to adjust again. Then slowly, I found myself frequenting the nearby malls for the excuse that I needed to relax in a different way. It was an added excuse for me to say that I never had time in the previous year to explore the nearby malls, to think that my school is situated in the middle of the city! My goal then was to buy things that would make me feel more feminine. I felt that I needed to pamper myself. I needed to make myself more presentable before myself. And that was how this shopping saga started.
Today, the motivation is still the same. I am single. I have no plans to be attached at the moment. Yet, I want to be empowered as a woman. I have this desire to value myself which can be achieved by providing myself with the necessary tools. There are several tools that tackle various aspects of the whole human person. While nurturing my relationship with the Lord is my way of deepening my spiritual aspect, buying clothes and facial products are also ways of treating the personal aspect of my humanity, my womanhood. There definitely is more to be done like exercise, good food, healthy attitude towards life, etc.
However, at the end of the day, we all have to balance all these activities. I am slowly becoming guilty of my spending habits. I am starting to lose myself in the process. It seemed that last night, I had subconsciously taken my joke seriously. I jokingly told my schoolmate, who went shopping with me, that sadness must be a valid excuse for spending profusely. I even added that it would be great if there is a god who gives away large sums of money every time a woman is sad. Hmmm.. I really went overboard. The god was my bank account which I have yet to check if I am still spending within my own means. I am reminded again that there is no such thing as a free lunch.
While I still have this urge to accumulate more dresses and shoes, I just have to limit my consumption habit if I want to have a healthy financial record. After all, if my desire is to be empowered, I need to be able to live on my own shoes without depending on my father.
Still, there's one thing that I have proven to myself here in Singapore: shopping does relieve sadness temporarily. Maybe being in a foreign country is a factor to this conclusion. However, as with all the other temporal doses of depression like pills and alcohol, shopping did leave me sobbing in the library last night. I still can't get over the fact that you have left me already!
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