I long for the day when I am all eager to be with myself again

I long for the day when I am all eager and ENTHUSIASTIC to do the things that I pride myself of doing once again.

I still haven't had lunch. It's 18 minutes past 1 in the afternoon already. Thanks to Mai for calling Jollibee for me.

Now, I have to finalize a paper that's due today. Do I see myself writing academic papers for the rest of my life?

I need to know. 'Coz I need to make a decision really really soon.

It just came to me that my decisions in the past were partly influenced by flimsy trimmings. For example, I wanted to go to Corpus Christi because I wanted to own my own locker. I wanted to go to Ateneo because I wanted to sit in the grass with friends musing about life just like what I saw in the school brochure..

Now, why do I want to go for an internship at JPMorgan again? How about doing a Ph.D. in Berlin? How about presenting my paper in an international conference?

Sadly, life is about choices. It's never about the many opportunities that came along your way. It's about the opportunities that you personally chose, the path that you personally lived.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

I am saying goodbye to my workstation of close to two years...

A messy one.. It will be missed..

This was how it looked like before my classmates left for China...

Now, it's quite tidy already. But I do not have the evidence to show. I am the last person in my batch to leave this place. I really have to wait until the admin manager has to evict me already. Yes, I was evicted. But when I worked as a research assistant this month, I was given space opposite to my original desk.

Now, I really have to say goodbye. Farewell, workstation. Farewell, SMU.

On leaving Singapore

Zoe, my Chinese schoolmate, is right. I am just lonely these days that's why I get so attached to people.

Honestly, I fear that if I stay long enough to look for a job here in Singapore, I might not be able to find one. I long for someone to encourage me in this lonely pursuit of a job.

It's going to be my first time to go home to my parents without a definite destination. Usually, I go home with a pasalubong that I have something to look forward to, an achievement. Now, I go home with a past. I graduated. Then what? I do not know.

I so much want to cry in front of them. Let them know that, yes, I am fragile and weak. I am entitled to be one, right?

I could use a boyfriend now, you know. But I know it's a wrong move to get into a relationship now.

It's true that I'm leaving Singapore because I am chickening out. I am lonely. I am giving up.

Oh, Lord, help me.

You should know...

You should know that I am quite good at concealing my emotions.

Please know. Hope you realize that.

My paper made it!!!

Got some great news!

My thesis paper made it to the 2010 Central Bank Macroeconomic Modeling Workshop to be held in Manila, Philippines on 19-20 October 2010!

I will be presenting my paper before macroeconomists around the world. Michel Juillard, one of those who developed Dynare (the toolbox I have been using for this paper), will be there. I hope Martin Uribe and Stephanie Schmitt-Grohe will be there as well. I am excited!

This is one great excuse for me to have something else to do while I am jobless! Hahaha!

And I have a valid reason to attend Karen's wedding in Cebu on Oct. 23!

Thank you, Lord! Got to submit the final paper by August 31. The joys of a research student. :D

Now, I pray that I find a job that would provide me a conducive environment to my research endeavors. That could mean working for BSP or this one in Singapore that I still have to apply.

Food treat and looking back on an old daydream

****Main events happened on July 6, 2010.****

In my failed attempt to find Mr. Teh Tarik Cartel's Mocha Dinosaur near my university tonight, I treated myself to Pulut Hitam with a coconut bun at Coffee Express along Victoria St. I thought I was going to be full with it but later on, realized that my stomach still has room for another treat. In a stall across the one where I bought my Pulut Hitam, I saw my recent favorite - fried dumplings! You could certainly guess what I did next. Yum yum!

After Coffee Express, I decided to walk further away from SMU. My feet brought me along Bain Street, passing by art stalls until I saw this quaint coffee shop called Food for Thought just across the National Library. The name brought memories of a sandwich stall, the likes of Subway inside the Ateneo, of the same name. I went in to check the menu and eventually decided to order a cup of hot chocolate and a green tea muffin. The interior walls of the shop were decorated with posters of the cafe's advocacies. It turns out that this coffee shop is one of the businesses of a group of friends who decided to open a business that would support certain less fortunate groups and projects dedicated to some development issues. The group has promised to spend at least 10% of their profits to education, improving water quality in developing Asian countries, and more that I cannot recall while writing this.

When I was still in high school, I would find myself daydreaming of putting up a business. I would open up a restaurant in Cagayan de Oro where the beef would be sourced from my grandmother's ranch, pork and vegetables from piggeries and farms grown in Santa Fe and nearby barangays, and the fish, I didn't think about it that time. Thinking about it now, I can probably source it from my mother's hometown of Medina, Mis. Oriental. The cakes will be personally baked by my mother who's really good at baking. But before that, I wanted to develop my grandmother's ranch and put up a vegetable farm in the vicinity of the ranch. Eventually, I would also start a flower farm. The goods would be mostly for exports but a portion will supply my restaurant's needs. The resto will also feature a cozy corner where students and intellectuals could just stay to read books that are available inside while treating themselves to a cup of coffee like the one prepared by my grandmother when I was younger and she was still more active. Outside my resto, there would be a small flower shop that sells flowers from my farm.

So that was my dream and it could still be my dream today. I thought then that I wanted to put up a business that is close to my heart, one that carries my childhood memories and interests as I grew up. Second, such an endeavor would give me the opportunity to provide constant livelihood to the people in my barrio. I have always felt the need to return or at least contribute something to my place given that I have been blessed to explore the world outside Santa Fe. Sometimes, when I participate in outreach activities in Manila, I feel guilty that I am not channelling my energy to helping "my people", instead.

So being inside Food for Thought reminded me of a childhood vision of myself, five years from now. Can I really do these in five years? I have doubts because it would require me to go back to Bukidnon to process all these while I have a research career that I am hoping I can build for myself within five years as well. However, I also know that the Lord paves the way for the sincerest of our dreams to come to fruition. I might be headed close to these grand dreams of mine in the years to come, after all. For instance, the desire of serving the people and engaging in social entrepreneurship is slowly growing into me these days. I hope I will get the chance to develop this desire and translate it into action in the coming years. Maybe not in five years; maybe earlier, maybe later.

♪ You can be the captain and I can be your first mate ♪

Oh no... What have I gotten myself into? So much for my singlehood mantra this year that I find myself occasionally waking up in the middle of my sleep to think of you.

I know I shouldn't entertain these thoughts; another heartbreak I couldn't afford when I am still all so emotionally fragile.