On relationships

Around a week ago, I had this short conversation with my research supervisor. She is a brilliant woman in her late 40s. Looking at her, no one outside the academe would ever think she has a Ph.D. from London School of Economics. My female classmates and I really look up to her for her grace and elegance, her brilliance aside.

Since she knew about my medical concern, she asked me about it. I told her my doctor suggested that I undergo operation. However, I just couldn't find time to schedule the operation. Besides, I added that I was not ready for one. I told her that, from my readings, if I get pregnant soon, there's a high likelihood that the cyst will go away.

"So why don't you consider marriage?", she asked.

To which my reply, "I am just not ready!"

Then she started to seriously think about it and told me it's not right to get married just to get pregnant. Well, of course!

I have been thinking about the idea of relationships lately. Why do people cling to a partner? Why does it seem to be one's lifegoal to find that one true love?

Many times I find myself believing that I am strong and complicated enough to have an intimate partner. I do not need one. If we base it on track record, my friendships work because my friends and I do not see each other often. We communicate when we want to. We are just guaranteed that during times of distress, we are a phone call away from each other. And I fancy this kind of arrangement.

I have seen myself fail in intimate relationships. I get what I want and then I get bored and beg for my partner to release me from the bondage of this smothering closeness. Then I see myself mourn for that broken relationship, for the loss of an intimate partner, only to find myself again feeling better, reborn, empowered now that I am single.

There goes the cycle. I have often wondered if I am really meant for marriage. Nowadays, I do not feel it. I do not need to find someone to accompany me in this complicated life of mine. What I need are friends. I need female friends. And I need male friends as well.

Don't get me wrong. I like guys. I like men. And I look up to men who know how to handle their lady partners well. There is a way that a woman likes to be handled (taken care of) by a man and it differs from one woman to another. A man who finds that particular way his partner desires to be handled is lucky enough. Other men are just well-experienced to be able to easily adapt from one woman to another. But that's really scary as a woman might get the impression that she is being treated way especially by that man.

My current state now? Single and quite content. I am happy. However, I must also admit that I miss being fondled by a man. I miss dressing up for a romantic date. I miss waking up in the morning beside that one person whom you can always count on no matter what (I didn't say love because I doubt it if I have ever experienced such).

That feeling of security. Ahhh, that's what relationships give to mere mortals like us. If a woman (or a man) is in a relationship with another, it seems as though she has found her home, an address she can always go back to especially when she realizes she has gone astray. A hectic day at work can easily be remedied by moments with her partner afterwards. When attending social functions with people she's not comfortable with, tagging along her partner would make that gathering more bearable.

A sense of constancy. While we humans have this fondness for change and adventure, we can never deny that we also desire for stability and stability could eventually mean mundane and constant. In my younger years, I fancied myself as a liberated, carefree person. I can do whatever I want, say, make out with anyone I like in the bar. "No one, not even my boyfriend, can and should stop me from doing what I feel like doing at this very instant," that was me around six years ago. (I admit I still have residues of that old self in me now, though.) Nowadays, I enjoy the feeling of being unpredictable - that no one can actually tell where I'd be next, or what I'd do the following day. I like the feeling that no one is tracking me down, or at least, has the right to track me down. I can hop from one place to another, from one activity to another, without feeling that I have left behind (or been left behind by) someone in the process.

But I have also asked myself, until when will I bask in this liberating feeling of being single? Pretty soon, when my one-year relationship moratorium will be over, I'll start brooding again over having a partner, a husband, a family and kids. Eeeewww!!! The current thought of the latter two (or three) brings shivers to my spine. I don't want them. Not now. They mean responsibility and I don't want to face such kind of responsibility now. But in the future, I know these feelings will change.

Constancy is mundane. It is boredom. True. At the same time, it is what disciplines an individual. Commitment in a relationship (which can be just boring) is what disciplines a person from hopping from one partner to another and then feeling used and guilty with himself/herself. One's dreams with a partner is what will keep one working hard for the future. Commitment is what will keep a person to strive to be the best that he/she could ever be.

Pretty soon, I will again start longing for constancy, an address, a security, a sense of stability. You are right in saying that it is wrong to seek these in a partner. Ideally, and I strongly believe in this, one gets into a relationship when she herself (or he himself) is emotionally and psychologically ready. That is why I have imposed this one year of self-discovery to myself. Yet, it can never be denied that once the excitement of singlehood dies down, we again start looking for that attachment, or seeking being anchored to another human being.

Note: I might be told that this feeling of security will only be attained through a relationship with Christ. I know that. That is what I have been trying to nurture these days and months. And true enough, as long as I keep on telling myself that Christ dwells in me and that I will never ever be alone, my loneliness just fades away. However, we are also embodied spirits. We desire another embodied spirit to share this life. It is that aspect that I have been trying to discuss here.

Tamed

I'm more tamed now. I got to talk to the admin secretary before lunch today after my email yesterday. She told me I'm getting my stipend. I really hope so. Let's see come July 15.

I am so sleepy. And I'm starting to have this abdominal pain again. I hope I won't have to take a pain reliever. I want to study Econometrics. After that, I will write the appendix of my thesis paper then revisit the codes so I can address the comments and suggestions of my panelists. I really hope this paper gets in to the BSP workshop in October. I will know before end of this month.

Getting scared and mad

How can I not be when the school's admin suddenly tells us that we have graduated already and will no longer get our stipend! And I DON'T have a job yet! This is BULLSHIT!

And I still have been getting requests from my research supervisor and I have yet to revise my thesis. Who planned this timeline anyway, to defend two months before July (the last month of our scholarship)? It's the Program Director, who didn't know of the repurcussions of his plans! I should let him give us our July stipend! If only I can do that!

Shit! I am scared! I am mad. I am fuming! And I feel pressured.

A realization

Around two nights ago, on my way home aboard a bus, it came to me that I have been too serious with my life and with my life plans. Since I decided to take a Masters in Economics at Ateneo, I have been tailoring my life towards a Ph.D. in Economics, a life in research without even asking myself whether this was what I really wanted. All I knew then was that I was surrounded by people who wanted a Ph.D. But I guess they weren't as serious as me. What I mean is that, despite their dedication to their dreams, they were still open to other possibilities. I, on the other hand, isolated myself solely to opportunities that would lead me to that Ph.D.. Sadly, I did not allow myself to be flexible enough.

So two nights ago, I told myself I needed to loosen up. I needed to keep my options open. I owe this to myself.

Explore is the word for me for the second half of this year. Of course, I still have to pray that He'll guide me in every step of the way and and grant me the grace to perform each task, no matter how simple, with excellence.

Explore, Diana. :D