I have been quite busy these days though I don't really mind.
September 15 was my first day as an intern in this investment bank. I work long hours, around 12 hours. In the first two days, I was asking myself, "what did I sign up for?" Later on, I have come to recognize that I have a lot to learn in terms of being an economist in real time while working here and also in terms of relating to people.
So I have committed myself to learn as much as I can while I am here.
Downside of working: I spend most of my day sitting (drinking tea and/or coffee). I'm getting fatter. I really need to exercise. And I do! I run thrice a week in the evenings. Still, it is not enough. I need to cut down on my food intake.
Saturdays are spent with LISS sessions. Before coming back to Singapore, I have committed myself to serve at LISS as a form of thanksgiving (and to keep myself busy during weekends).
Sometimes, I get lonely. I wish I have someone to embrace with. But then again, I can't afford a boyfriend now. I don't have the time.
That's it for now. Oh, I want to be an Economist for an IB just like the one I am with now. But maybe I still want to pursue a Ph.D. in the US. Let's see where this road will take me.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Some resolutions
Maybe I need to stand firmly by my resolutions when I get back to Singapore.
Tomorrow, I will be back in Sg.
Back to life that I quite tried to run away from but, despite the choices, my gut feel told me to return. Or is it the gut feel?
Whatever it is, I will try to live the remaining months of the year to the fullest! I will live life happy.
And I need to exercise. Seriously. Three weeks later and 10 pounds heavier? Let's see when I stand on the weighing scale tomorrow if I got an accurate prediction of my weight gain. :P
Things to look forward to:
1. Life in the corporate. Thank you, Lord, for this blessing.
2. Presentation in Manila in October.
3. More blessings to come. And some bouts of loneliness I'd better prepare myself with.
4. secret :P
xoxo,
Diane
Tomorrow, I will be back in Sg.
Back to life that I quite tried to run away from but, despite the choices, my gut feel told me to return. Or is it the gut feel?
Whatever it is, I will try to live the remaining months of the year to the fullest! I will live life happy.
And I need to exercise. Seriously. Three weeks later and 10 pounds heavier? Let's see when I stand on the weighing scale tomorrow if I got an accurate prediction of my weight gain. :P
Things to look forward to:
1. Life in the corporate. Thank you, Lord, for this blessing.
2. Presentation in Manila in October.
3. More blessings to come. And some bouts of loneliness I'd better prepare myself with.
4. secret :P
xoxo,
Diane
The box
September 6, 2010 (past 11 pm)
There’s a box that sits in the bottom of the two-layered desk to my left. When I first saw it as I entered my room here in Santa Fe, I tried to refrain from opening it. That box carries a lot of memories in it but memories are simply events that are no longer with you in the present. I just didn’t want to intentionally bruise myself.
More specifically, it is a vessel of beautiful memories I had while I was in Manila two to five years ago. It contains letters, simple notes, cards and other memorabilia from people who simply appreciated my presence at a particular point in their lives. I must also say that they have touched my life more than they will ever know.
Tonight is my last night in Santa Fe. I have already packed my things and I initially thought of reading Gujarati’s econometrics textbook tonight. However, just as I was about to start reading it, I noticed the box. (It always happens; I usually get distracted when I start to do serious work. :P)
I opened the box; ran my fingers through the pile of cards, letters and ribbons. I was looking for something that was buried underneath the pile. I saw a colorful envelope that is really a bubble wrap. I can remember it containing a CD from Rene. He took a video of himself to greet me on my 23rd birthday while he was on his first year of Ph.D. in Hiroshima.
I was surprised to see a letter, aside from the CD, inside the envelope. I must have read it when I received the package but I could no longer remember the content of the letter.
I read it. He talked about the mystic of the sakura, how it resembled the beauty, tragedy and the hope that I brought into his life.
I continued reading it. He talked about chasing his dreams in Japan:
I have come so far to learn of new things, to better myself, to chase my dreams. Yet deep inside, I know that all I gain, at best, shall be mere trappings of a better shell, a frame so to speak. New layers of knowledge may be added, a wiser perspective of the world perhaps. Trappings of life may be earned. Yet, the heart, the core shall remain unchanged.
I never really fully understood what he meant by learning and improving himself until I had the chance to study in Singapore. In fact, it was only in my second year when I really came into terms with myself and that I could say I did change for the better. I have a proof for that. Ting, my really good friend, told me while we were in the restroom at Marco Polo in Cebu around two weeks ago, that I have grown up.
I was brought into tears while reading the letter. Why? Because it is a letter that talked about chasing his dreams, and my dreams as well. I will never deny that my dreams of studying abroad, of eventually taking a Ph.D., of exploring different cultures, of making new friends of different nationalities, were formed while we were still together. Rene served as my guide that time and our relationship was my inspiration to achieve my dreams.
But I was too young to commit myself into a relationship. I admit that there was a significant portion of my being that wanted to explore, to take risks by myself. And so, months before he left for Japan, we eventually broke up.
“Maybe we need to explore, Diane.” I can remember him telling me that while we were in this place where the Manila Ocean Park now stands. It was the night before he left for Hiroshima.
And we did explore. On his second year of studies in Japan, I won a 2-year scholarship at a university in Singapore. Before I left for Singapore, he wrote me a letter to inform me that he had found a new girlfriend and I happened to closely guess her name. Of course, I cried; I sobbed. I finally lost him just when we were about to live our dreams. Shortly after, I found myself a boyfriend in Manila who eventually followed me to Singapore.
Those two years must have passed like a blink of an eye. I have finished my studies in Singapore and so has Rene finally earned his Ph.D. Some relationships started and ended; personal changes in one’s being transpired. There were times when I was tempted to reach out to him, to ask him if I still have a place in his heart after all these years, after all that he went through with me.
But I just couldn’t do it. Not now, when we are still both weary about our future. I do not want to mistake my move as me being needy and lonely. And not when, more than the physical distance, several significant personal experiences now separate us. We have already changed. I have already changed. And I do not know if I will still be the person he will choose to love just like five years ago.
So I will just continue to wait until the universe will bring us back together again. In the meantime, I will continue to better myself so that I will be more than prepared to love him when the right time comes.
There’s a box that sits in the bottom of the two-layered desk to my left. When I first saw it as I entered my room here in Santa Fe, I tried to refrain from opening it. That box carries a lot of memories in it but memories are simply events that are no longer with you in the present. I just didn’t want to intentionally bruise myself.
More specifically, it is a vessel of beautiful memories I had while I was in Manila two to five years ago. It contains letters, simple notes, cards and other memorabilia from people who simply appreciated my presence at a particular point in their lives. I must also say that they have touched my life more than they will ever know.
Tonight is my last night in Santa Fe. I have already packed my things and I initially thought of reading Gujarati’s econometrics textbook tonight. However, just as I was about to start reading it, I noticed the box. (It always happens; I usually get distracted when I start to do serious work. :P)
I opened the box; ran my fingers through the pile of cards, letters and ribbons. I was looking for something that was buried underneath the pile. I saw a colorful envelope that is really a bubble wrap. I can remember it containing a CD from Rene. He took a video of himself to greet me on my 23rd birthday while he was on his first year of Ph.D. in Hiroshima.
I was surprised to see a letter, aside from the CD, inside the envelope. I must have read it when I received the package but I could no longer remember the content of the letter.
I read it. He talked about the mystic of the sakura, how it resembled the beauty, tragedy and the hope that I brought into his life.
I continued reading it. He talked about chasing his dreams in Japan:
I have come so far to learn of new things, to better myself, to chase my dreams. Yet deep inside, I know that all I gain, at best, shall be mere trappings of a better shell, a frame so to speak. New layers of knowledge may be added, a wiser perspective of the world perhaps. Trappings of life may be earned. Yet, the heart, the core shall remain unchanged.
I never really fully understood what he meant by learning and improving himself until I had the chance to study in Singapore. In fact, it was only in my second year when I really came into terms with myself and that I could say I did change for the better. I have a proof for that. Ting, my really good friend, told me while we were in the restroom at Marco Polo in Cebu around two weeks ago, that I have grown up.
I was brought into tears while reading the letter. Why? Because it is a letter that talked about chasing his dreams, and my dreams as well. I will never deny that my dreams of studying abroad, of eventually taking a Ph.D., of exploring different cultures, of making new friends of different nationalities, were formed while we were still together. Rene served as my guide that time and our relationship was my inspiration to achieve my dreams.
But I was too young to commit myself into a relationship. I admit that there was a significant portion of my being that wanted to explore, to take risks by myself. And so, months before he left for Japan, we eventually broke up.
“Maybe we need to explore, Diane.” I can remember him telling me that while we were in this place where the Manila Ocean Park now stands. It was the night before he left for Hiroshima.
And we did explore. On his second year of studies in Japan, I won a 2-year scholarship at a university in Singapore. Before I left for Singapore, he wrote me a letter to inform me that he had found a new girlfriend and I happened to closely guess her name. Of course, I cried; I sobbed. I finally lost him just when we were about to live our dreams. Shortly after, I found myself a boyfriend in Manila who eventually followed me to Singapore.
Those two years must have passed like a blink of an eye. I have finished my studies in Singapore and so has Rene finally earned his Ph.D. Some relationships started and ended; personal changes in one’s being transpired. There were times when I was tempted to reach out to him, to ask him if I still have a place in his heart after all these years, after all that he went through with me.
But I just couldn’t do it. Not now, when we are still both weary about our future. I do not want to mistake my move as me being needy and lonely. And not when, more than the physical distance, several significant personal experiences now separate us. We have already changed. I have already changed. And I do not know if I will still be the person he will choose to love just like five years ago.
So I will just continue to wait until the universe will bring us back together again. In the meantime, I will continue to better myself so that I will be more than prepared to love him when the right time comes.
Before he ended his letter, he shared to me a beautiful story about the Kanji character for “hito” (person, in English). It consists of two strokes, i.e.:
It is said that a person is represented as such because one cannot stand alone, as in:
One is bound to fall down, hard. One needs the support of another,
, in order to exist meaningfully. That is the essence of being a person, being dependent on and supportive of others at the same time.
One is bound to fall down, hard. One needs the support of another,
, I had long fancied myself as an independent person. But as years passed, I have come to know the essence of a human being. I have to learn to open up, to offer myself, to surrender myself to another. I have started with baby steps…
I folded the letter, returned it to the enveloped that kept it, and placed the envelope back inside the box. Now, the box just looks like the way it was when I first saw it weeks ago.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
I long for the day when I am all eager to be with myself again
I long for the day when I am all eager and ENTHUSIASTIC to do the things that I pride myself of doing once again.
I still haven't had lunch. It's 18 minutes past 1 in the afternoon already. Thanks to Mai for calling Jollibee for me.
Now, I have to finalize a paper that's due today. Do I see myself writing academic papers for the rest of my life?
I need to know. 'Coz I need to make a decision really really soon.
It just came to me that my decisions in the past were partly influenced by flimsy trimmings. For example, I wanted to go to Corpus Christi because I wanted to own my own locker. I wanted to go to Ateneo because I wanted to sit in the grass with friends musing about life just like what I saw in the school brochure..
Now, why do I want to go for an internship at JPMorgan again? How about doing a Ph.D. in Berlin? How about presenting my paper in an international conference?
Sadly, life is about choices. It's never about the many opportunities that came along your way. It's about the opportunities that you personally chose, the path that you personally lived.
I still haven't had lunch. It's 18 minutes past 1 in the afternoon already. Thanks to Mai for calling Jollibee for me.
Now, I have to finalize a paper that's due today. Do I see myself writing academic papers for the rest of my life?
I need to know. 'Coz I need to make a decision really really soon.
It just came to me that my decisions in the past were partly influenced by flimsy trimmings. For example, I wanted to go to Corpus Christi because I wanted to own my own locker. I wanted to go to Ateneo because I wanted to sit in the grass with friends musing about life just like what I saw in the school brochure..
Now, why do I want to go for an internship at JPMorgan again? How about doing a Ph.D. in Berlin? How about presenting my paper in an international conference?
Sadly, life is about choices. It's never about the many opportunities that came along your way. It's about the opportunities that you personally chose, the path that you personally lived.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Parting is such sweet sorrow
I am saying goodbye to my workstation of close to two years...
A messy one.. It will be missed..
This was how it looked like before my classmates left for China...
Now, it's quite tidy already. But I do not have the evidence to show. I am the last person in my batch to leave this place. I really have to wait until the admin manager has to evict me already. Yes, I was evicted. But when I worked as a research assistant this month, I was given space opposite to my original desk.
Now, I really have to say goodbye. Farewell, workstation. Farewell, SMU.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
On leaving Singapore
Zoe, my Chinese schoolmate, is right. I am just lonely these days that's why I get so attached to people.
Honestly, I fear that if I stay long enough to look for a job here in Singapore, I might not be able to find one. I long for someone to encourage me in this lonely pursuit of a job.
It's going to be my first time to go home to my parents without a definite destination. Usually, I go home with a pasalubong that I have something to look forward to, an achievement. Now, I go home with a past. I graduated. Then what? I do not know.
I so much want to cry in front of them. Let them know that, yes, I am fragile and weak. I am entitled to be one, right?
I could use a boyfriend now, you know. But I know it's a wrong move to get into a relationship now.
It's true that I'm leaving Singapore because I am chickening out. I am lonely. I am giving up.
Oh, Lord, help me.
Honestly, I fear that if I stay long enough to look for a job here in Singapore, I might not be able to find one. I long for someone to encourage me in this lonely pursuit of a job.
It's going to be my first time to go home to my parents without a definite destination. Usually, I go home with a pasalubong that I have something to look forward to, an achievement. Now, I go home with a past. I graduated. Then what? I do not know.
I so much want to cry in front of them. Let them know that, yes, I am fragile and weak. I am entitled to be one, right?
I could use a boyfriend now, you know. But I know it's a wrong move to get into a relationship now.
It's true that I'm leaving Singapore because I am chickening out. I am lonely. I am giving up.
Oh, Lord, help me.
Friday, August 06, 2010
You should know...
You should know that I am quite good at concealing my emotions.
Please know. Hope you realize that.
Please know. Hope you realize that.
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