Around a week ago, I had this short conversation with my research supervisor. She is a brilliant woman in her late 40s. Looking at her, no one outside the academe would ever think she has a Ph.D. from London School of Economics. My female classmates and I really look up to her for her grace and elegance, her brilliance aside.
Since she knew about my medical concern, she asked me about it. I told her my doctor suggested that I undergo operation. However, I just couldn't find time to schedule the operation. Besides, I added that I was not ready for one. I told her that, from my readings, if I get pregnant soon, there's a high likelihood that the cyst will go away.
"So why don't you consider marriage?", she asked.
To which my reply, "I am just not ready!"
Then she started to seriously think about it and told me it's not right to get married just to get pregnant. Well, of course!
I have been thinking about the idea of relationships lately. Why do people cling to a partner? Why does it seem to be one's lifegoal to find that one true love?
Many times I find myself believing that I am strong and complicated enough to have an intimate partner. I do not need one. If we base it on track record, my friendships work because my friends and I do not see each other often. We communicate when we want to. We are just guaranteed that during times of distress, we are a phone call away from each other. And I fancy this kind of arrangement.
I have seen myself fail in intimate relationships. I get what I want and then I get bored and beg for my partner to release me from the bondage of this smothering closeness. Then I see myself mourn for that broken relationship, for the loss of an intimate partner, only to find myself again feeling better, reborn, empowered now that I am single.
There goes the cycle. I have often wondered if I am really meant for marriage. Nowadays, I do not feel it. I do not need to find someone to accompany me in this complicated life of mine. What I need are friends. I need female friends. And I need male friends as well.
Don't get me wrong. I like guys. I like men. And I look up to men who know how to handle their lady partners well. There is a way that a woman likes to be handled (taken care of) by a man and it differs from one woman to another. A man who finds that particular way his partner desires to be handled is lucky enough. Other men are just well-experienced to be able to easily adapt from one woman to another. But that's really scary as a woman might get the impression that she is being treated way especially by that man.
My current state now? Single and quite content. I am happy. However, I must also admit that I miss being fondled by a man. I miss dressing up for a romantic date. I miss waking up in the morning beside that one person whom you can always count on no matter what (I didn't say love because I doubt it if I have ever experienced such).
That feeling of security. Ahhh, that's what relationships give to mere mortals like us. If a woman (or a man) is in a relationship with another, it seems as though she has found her home, an address she can always go back to especially when she realizes she has gone astray. A hectic day at work can easily be remedied by moments with her partner afterwards. When attending social functions with people she's not comfortable with, tagging along her partner would make that gathering more bearable.
A sense of constancy. While we humans have this fondness for change and adventure, we can never deny that we also desire for stability and stability could eventually mean mundane and constant. In my younger years, I fancied myself as a liberated, carefree person. I can do whatever I want, say, make out with anyone I like in the bar. "No one, not even my boyfriend, can and should stop me from doing what I feel like doing at this very instant," that was me around six years ago. (I admit I still have residues of that old self in me now, though.) Nowadays, I enjoy the feeling of being unpredictable - that no one can actually tell where I'd be next, or what I'd do the following day. I like the feeling that no one is tracking me down, or at least, has the right to track me down. I can hop from one place to another, from one activity to another, without feeling that I have left behind (or been left behind by) someone in the process.
But I have also asked myself, until when will I bask in this liberating feeling of being single? Pretty soon, when my one-year relationship moratorium will be over, I'll start brooding again over having a partner, a husband, a family and kids. Eeeewww!!! The current thought of the latter two (or three) brings shivers to my spine. I don't want them. Not now. They mean responsibility and I don't want to face such kind of responsibility now. But in the future, I know these feelings will change.
Constancy is mundane. It is boredom. True. At the same time, it is what disciplines an individual. Commitment in a relationship (which can be just boring) is what disciplines a person from hopping from one partner to another and then feeling used and guilty with himself/herself. One's dreams with a partner is what will keep one working hard for the future. Commitment is what will keep a person to strive to be the best that he/she could ever be.
Pretty soon, I will again start longing for constancy, an address, a security, a sense of stability. You are right in saying that it is wrong to seek these in a partner. Ideally, and I strongly believe in this, one gets into a relationship when she herself (or he himself) is emotionally and psychologically ready. That is why I have imposed this one year of self-discovery to myself. Yet, it can never be denied that once the excitement of singlehood dies down, we again start looking for that attachment, or seeking being anchored to another human being.
Note: I might be told that this feeling of security will only be attained through a relationship with Christ. I know that. That is what I have been trying to nurture these days and months. And true enough, as long as I keep on telling myself that Christ dwells in me and that I will never ever be alone, my loneliness just fades away. However, we are also embodied spirits. We desire another embodied spirit to share this life. It is that aspect that I have been trying to discuss here.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Tamed
I'm more tamed now. I got to talk to the admin secretary before lunch today after my email yesterday. She told me I'm getting my stipend. I really hope so. Let's see come July 15.
I am so sleepy. And I'm starting to have this abdominal pain again. I hope I won't have to take a pain reliever. I want to study Econometrics. After that, I will write the appendix of my thesis paper then revisit the codes so I can address the comments and suggestions of my panelists. I really hope this paper gets in to the BSP workshop in October. I will know before end of this month.
I am so sleepy. And I'm starting to have this abdominal pain again. I hope I won't have to take a pain reliever. I want to study Econometrics. After that, I will write the appendix of my thesis paper then revisit the codes so I can address the comments and suggestions of my panelists. I really hope this paper gets in to the BSP workshop in October. I will know before end of this month.
Monday, July 05, 2010
Getting scared and mad
How can I not be when the school's admin suddenly tells us that we have graduated already and will no longer get our stipend! And I DON'T have a job yet! This is BULLSHIT!
And I still have been getting requests from my research supervisor and I have yet to revise my thesis. Who planned this timeline anyway, to defend two months before July (the last month of our scholarship)? It's the Program Director, who didn't know of the repurcussions of his plans! I should let him give us our July stipend! If only I can do that!
Shit! I am scared! I am mad. I am fuming! And I feel pressured.
And I still have been getting requests from my research supervisor and I have yet to revise my thesis. Who planned this timeline anyway, to defend two months before July (the last month of our scholarship)? It's the Program Director, who didn't know of the repurcussions of his plans! I should let him give us our July stipend! If only I can do that!
Shit! I am scared! I am mad. I am fuming! And I feel pressured.
Saturday, July 03, 2010
A realization
Around two nights ago, on my way home aboard a bus, it came to me that I have been too serious with my life and with my life plans. Since I decided to take a Masters in Economics at Ateneo, I have been tailoring my life towards a Ph.D. in Economics, a life in research without even asking myself whether this was what I really wanted. All I knew then was that I was surrounded by people who wanted a Ph.D. But I guess they weren't as serious as me. What I mean is that, despite their dedication to their dreams, they were still open to other possibilities. I, on the other hand, isolated myself solely to opportunities that would lead me to that Ph.D.. Sadly, I did not allow myself to be flexible enough.
So two nights ago, I told myself I needed to loosen up. I needed to keep my options open. I owe this to myself.
Explore is the word for me for the second half of this year. Of course, I still have to pray that He'll guide me in every step of the way and and grant me the grace to perform each task, no matter how simple, with excellence.
Explore, Diana. :D
So two nights ago, I told myself I needed to loosen up. I needed to keep my options open. I owe this to myself.
Explore is the word for me for the second half of this year. Of course, I still have to pray that He'll guide me in every step of the way and and grant me the grace to perform each task, no matter how simple, with excellence.
Explore, Diana. :D
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Anxiety attack
Currently in that state and it is making me work and do the things I will never do in my usual happy-go-lucky mode.
Reality is sinking in! I can do this! I can do this, right?
Reality is sinking in! I can do this! I can do this, right?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
A recollection of my 27th birthday celebration
So what happened on my 27th birthday? This entry has been sitting in my draft folder since June 11, the day after my birthday. It is only now that I got the interest to edit and finally post it here.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A hug, a warm embrace, with my roommate completed yesterday's celebration. Many times I had longed to have that experience with her. But oftentimes, too, I would get hesitant. Finally, I did it last night. It must be the alcohol that pushed me to do so despite the hesitation. I just wanted to thank Karen for such a loving and caring roommate to me.
All I asked for my birthday was to be able to celebrate it meaningfully with people who are dear to me. Also, I hoped that I would at least be able to find peace within myself after the emotional struggle that I went through last week. Apparently, those prayers have been answered. It is amazing how He sends instruments among your friends and even among strangers, in the books that you read, in the thoughts that cross your mind, to have your prayers answered.
I feel like I am about to close a chapter of my life pretty soon. I hate and like this feeling at the same time. I hate it because I am becoming egoistic in thinking that my life is a big movie production and I am the lead actress. I find it so silly to even entertain this thought. But it does, oftentimes, crosses my mind. At the same time, I like the stability that comes with facing a clear transition of a certain phase in my life - I am about to finish my studies here in Singapore and I feel like my hardwork has paid off (Although, I am also aware that I am about to face the consequences of my past shortcomings in the coming days or years. But they don't worry me too much now.). Moreover, the uncertainty that comes with this transition thrills me.
Such feeling may have led me to seek for a meaningful birthday celebration this year. After all, my birthday falls a month short from my possible final departure from Singapore. And this could mean physically letting go of my schoolmates, newfound friends, housemates, habits formed while in this country, habits that can only stay here, and many more. I feel like I need to catch up on my personal relationships with the people around me. I do not want to take anyone and anything for granted in this blessing that is Singapore.
So my birthday celebration actually started last Sunday. My 'One Fine Sunday' entry will tell you so. The rest of the days were spent spending time with my schoolmates, talking to my family and friends over the phone, and emails with friends back in the Philippines. On Thursday, I donned my newly bought pair of pants and polka dot top for the superstitious belief of good luck on my birthday. In the morning, I had a brief online conference with my high school friends Mai Mai and Marale. After having lunch at the usual place (Koufu), I invited two of my schoolmates for dessert. The guy turned down my invitation. I acted being insulted by his reply but he really insisted on his decision. I guessed he just was not comfortable chatting with me and my female schoolmate about girl stuff! :)
So Zoey, the female schoolmate, and I ended up having dessert at The Coffee Club. It was a remarkable experience to be able to talk sincerely to someone whom you see often but don't really get the chance to converse in a deep way everyday. I found out that we share the same dreams and ideals. We agreed on our "academic crushes." For instance, we have a crush on this young and brilliant professor who recently just got hitched. Also, we have this desire to be a woman who is gentle and feminine on the outside but really strong on the inside. Moreover, one of the reasons why we dream to be part of this academic profession is our belief that this profession is filled with people with pleasant personalities and ideal characters.
At 5:30 in the afternoon, I attended mass at the Church of Sts. Peter and Paul. It has become a habit for me to attend mass on my birthday.
Dinner was spent with my housemates. The closed Yuan Fa Claypot Rice stall at Chinatown turned out to be a blessing in disguise as we enjoyed our relatively classy Din Tai Fung dinner at Raffles Mall. Ready for dessert, John disappeared and came back with this sinful and extremely rich chocolate cake with four candles. Erwin, afterwards, insisted that we all have a drink so we proceeded to Harry's at Chijmes. What was initially planned as just a light drink turned out heavy for me! I got drunk but not really wasted. Erwin, my evil housemate (:P), gave me two shots of the strongest alcoholic drink in the house - Bacardi 151. Had I known that 151 actually stands for 151 proof, I would decline the offer. Anyway, I did find out that I have a relatively strong resistance to that drink. Thanks to Erwin?!
Conversations when I was already tipsy circled around my life and ideals and John's mom who's having a hard time accepting Franz as her son's girlfriend, from what I can recall. I can remember Erwin insisting on me that there is no such thing as an ideal place and situation - I had to wake up; John asking me what I wanted in life, to which my answer was happiness, and that how I defined it and my answer was in my relationship with God. My reply to the last question left the two guys, John and Erwin, feeling awkward. One thing, though, that they nailed from me that night was that I had no regrets breaking up with Ivan. (Hahaha! Why do I always bring this up? Does it mean that I am just forcing myself to have no regrets? Hahaha! I won't say anything anymore!)
We talked about more things. I can recall myself telling John that his mother is missing a lot in closing her doors on Franz. And that Erwin's mom, as Erwin told me, seems to be like John's. And that John's mom believes that she's an extraordinary woman (and I thought to myself, I am just like his mom!). Now, recalling our conversations and writing them down here slowly brings me back to my physical state of drunkenness that night so I better stop.
You know, when I first learned about Ivan's new girlfriend, I instantly emailed the same message to Ting and Karen. Among other things that I said in my email was that all I really needed then was for my friends to make me feel that I don't need a boyfriend. So far, that request has been granted, not just by Karen and Ting, but also by my other friends. I once told one of my friends, I can't remember who, that it would be great to have male friends who would care for me without malice. I hope I have found that in my housemates. I really want to spend this year on my own and in the company of genuine friends. I do not have to involve myself in an exclusive relationship. There are still a lot of pain, bitterness, and other issues that I need to process within me. And I need my friends to help me bring myself back to my own feet again.
We eventually headed back to our apartment at around 1 am. The following day, I rose up early and went straight to school to discover an offline message from a special someone from the past. It was really nice to hear from this guy. I would not deny that I was somehow expecting him to greet me on my birthday. I am really glad he did and that we were able to catch up briefly on each other's lives. If I can have it my way, he would be the one for me. But this is not for me to tell. And I am just not ready. And for all I know, he might have found someone else already. I don't have room to worry about that now.
I was also more than happy that everyone in my family managed to greet me on my birthday. I had to keep on reminding my father to greet me because he would usually forget. He did greet me and said 'I love you' to me. If you know my story with my father, you would understand how important it is for me to be told just that by him. Ivan also greeted me. It made me feel that I am still a good person to deserve a birthday greeting from someone whom I have hurt badly.
My week-long birthday celebration was concluded by Ting's stopover in Changi for her trip to Bangladesh. We spent hours talking. She is just one special person to me. I enjoyed her antics! And I realized after our tete-a-tete that I have a lot to learn from her in becoming miss independent, you know, on still being able to keep your identity despite having a boyfriend and not relying everything on the guy. :)
So the world did smile to me, in more ways than one, on my birthday. And I know it will keep on smiling to me until God knows when.
Smile! *click*
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A hug, a warm embrace, with my roommate completed yesterday's celebration. Many times I had longed to have that experience with her. But oftentimes, too, I would get hesitant. Finally, I did it last night. It must be the alcohol that pushed me to do so despite the hesitation. I just wanted to thank Karen for such a loving and caring roommate to me.
All I asked for my birthday was to be able to celebrate it meaningfully with people who are dear to me. Also, I hoped that I would at least be able to find peace within myself after the emotional struggle that I went through last week. Apparently, those prayers have been answered. It is amazing how He sends instruments among your friends and even among strangers, in the books that you read, in the thoughts that cross your mind, to have your prayers answered.
I feel like I am about to close a chapter of my life pretty soon. I hate and like this feeling at the same time. I hate it because I am becoming egoistic in thinking that my life is a big movie production and I am the lead actress. I find it so silly to even entertain this thought. But it does, oftentimes, crosses my mind. At the same time, I like the stability that comes with facing a clear transition of a certain phase in my life - I am about to finish my studies here in Singapore and I feel like my hardwork has paid off (Although, I am also aware that I am about to face the consequences of my past shortcomings in the coming days or years. But they don't worry me too much now.). Moreover, the uncertainty that comes with this transition thrills me.
Such feeling may have led me to seek for a meaningful birthday celebration this year. After all, my birthday falls a month short from my possible final departure from Singapore. And this could mean physically letting go of my schoolmates, newfound friends, housemates, habits formed while in this country, habits that can only stay here, and many more. I feel like I need to catch up on my personal relationships with the people around me. I do not want to take anyone and anything for granted in this blessing that is Singapore.
So my birthday celebration actually started last Sunday. My 'One Fine Sunday' entry will tell you so. The rest of the days were spent spending time with my schoolmates, talking to my family and friends over the phone, and emails with friends back in the Philippines. On Thursday, I donned my newly bought pair of pants and polka dot top for the superstitious belief of good luck on my birthday. In the morning, I had a brief online conference with my high school friends Mai Mai and Marale. After having lunch at the usual place (Koufu), I invited two of my schoolmates for dessert. The guy turned down my invitation. I acted being insulted by his reply but he really insisted on his decision. I guessed he just was not comfortable chatting with me and my female schoolmate about girl stuff! :)
So Zoey, the female schoolmate, and I ended up having dessert at The Coffee Club. It was a remarkable experience to be able to talk sincerely to someone whom you see often but don't really get the chance to converse in a deep way everyday. I found out that we share the same dreams and ideals. We agreed on our "academic crushes." For instance, we have a crush on this young and brilliant professor who recently just got hitched. Also, we have this desire to be a woman who is gentle and feminine on the outside but really strong on the inside. Moreover, one of the reasons why we dream to be part of this academic profession is our belief that this profession is filled with people with pleasant personalities and ideal characters.
At 5:30 in the afternoon, I attended mass at the Church of Sts. Peter and Paul. It has become a habit for me to attend mass on my birthday.
Dinner was spent with my housemates. The closed Yuan Fa Claypot Rice stall at Chinatown turned out to be a blessing in disguise as we enjoyed our relatively classy Din Tai Fung dinner at Raffles Mall. Ready for dessert, John disappeared and came back with this sinful and extremely rich chocolate cake with four candles. Erwin, afterwards, insisted that we all have a drink so we proceeded to Harry's at Chijmes. What was initially planned as just a light drink turned out heavy for me! I got drunk but not really wasted. Erwin, my evil housemate (:P), gave me two shots of the strongest alcoholic drink in the house - Bacardi 151. Had I known that 151 actually stands for 151 proof, I would decline the offer. Anyway, I did find out that I have a relatively strong resistance to that drink. Thanks to Erwin?!
Conversations when I was already tipsy circled around my life and ideals and John's mom who's having a hard time accepting Franz as her son's girlfriend, from what I can recall. I can remember Erwin insisting on me that there is no such thing as an ideal place and situation - I had to wake up; John asking me what I wanted in life, to which my answer was happiness, and that how I defined it and my answer was in my relationship with God. My reply to the last question left the two guys, John and Erwin, feeling awkward. One thing, though, that they nailed from me that night was that I had no regrets breaking up with Ivan. (Hahaha! Why do I always bring this up? Does it mean that I am just forcing myself to have no regrets? Hahaha! I won't say anything anymore!)
We talked about more things. I can recall myself telling John that his mother is missing a lot in closing her doors on Franz. And that Erwin's mom, as Erwin told me, seems to be like John's. And that John's mom believes that she's an extraordinary woman (and I thought to myself, I am just like his mom!). Now, recalling our conversations and writing them down here slowly brings me back to my physical state of drunkenness that night so I better stop.
You know, when I first learned about Ivan's new girlfriend, I instantly emailed the same message to Ting and Karen. Among other things that I said in my email was that all I really needed then was for my friends to make me feel that I don't need a boyfriend. So far, that request has been granted, not just by Karen and Ting, but also by my other friends. I once told one of my friends, I can't remember who, that it would be great to have male friends who would care for me without malice. I hope I have found that in my housemates. I really want to spend this year on my own and in the company of genuine friends. I do not have to involve myself in an exclusive relationship. There are still a lot of pain, bitterness, and other issues that I need to process within me. And I need my friends to help me bring myself back to my own feet again.
We eventually headed back to our apartment at around 1 am. The following day, I rose up early and went straight to school to discover an offline message from a special someone from the past. It was really nice to hear from this guy. I would not deny that I was somehow expecting him to greet me on my birthday. I am really glad he did and that we were able to catch up briefly on each other's lives. If I can have it my way, he would be the one for me. But this is not for me to tell. And I am just not ready. And for all I know, he might have found someone else already. I don't have room to worry about that now.
I was also more than happy that everyone in my family managed to greet me on my birthday. I had to keep on reminding my father to greet me because he would usually forget. He did greet me and said 'I love you' to me. If you know my story with my father, you would understand how important it is for me to be told just that by him. Ivan also greeted me. It made me feel that I am still a good person to deserve a birthday greeting from someone whom I have hurt badly.
My week-long birthday celebration was concluded by Ting's stopover in Changi for her trip to Bangladesh. We spent hours talking. She is just one special person to me. I enjoyed her antics! And I realized after our tete-a-tete that I have a lot to learn from her in becoming miss independent, you know, on still being able to keep your identity despite having a boyfriend and not relying everything on the guy. :)
So the world did smile to me, in more ways than one, on my birthday. And I know it will keep on smiling to me until God knows when.
Smile! *click*
To which Diana finds a remedy to her laziness
I ought to be executed today for wasting my time browsing the internet.
While having dinner, I was thinking of a way to manage my laziness. Apparently, I am not efficient when there is no pressure. Certainly, nowadays, there is no immediate pressure for me to revise my thesis and do the RA work. I do want to work on them because I do not want to cram but then, again, I just find it hard to do so. It seems that I have very little attention span on my tasks these days.
So I was thinking, maybe, I will just work seriously on alternate days and spend the other days relaxing? Maybe, I could explore Singapore - take a walk, go jogging, meet up with friends during the day, read a book in the National Library, visit museums, and many more? Worthy-of-a-Nobel idea, isn't it? :P
But when do I start? Maybe next week. I don't really know. Ooops! I just realized that I forgot to reschedule my appointment with the doctor!
Since I am again feeling lazy, let me just tell you what happened last night.
Iris, a friend I met through Praise@Work, and I met up at Lucky Plaza to remit money for Fr. Joey's mission work in Ipil, Zamboanga. I am amazed at how simple things like forwarding Fr. Joey's Facebook note of an appeal for assistance to people I know would turn out to mean significantly to some of them. For instance, Iris has long been looking for a cause or a mission that could be a recipient of her regular monetary donations. She's been thinking of directing a portion of her hard-earned money to less fortunate communities outside Singapore. While there are still people living in poverty here in Singapore, she acknowledges that the plight of the poor in developing countries is worse. So to her, Fr. Joey's note was an answer to her desire to give. And she gave quite a significant amount! This act of her is so amazing considering that she's been and will be financially drained these days for her wedding on August 7.
It is further amazing that two wonderful people who happen to be good friends of mine are able to meet, even if only through online communication, through this worthy cause. Iris, who has been endeared to me through the Life in the Spirit Seminar I attended last year, has become my confidant every now and then in my struggles with Ivan. She has always been a great listener and her advices, just like Karen's (my roommate), are grounded in her deep relationship with the Lord. But she never told me to break up with Ivan. No one ever did. Okay, maybe one person, but it was solely my decision and my long-overdue desire to end my relationship with him for the better.
Fr. Joey, on the other hand, has been a friend since he boldly approached me at National Bookstore along Katipunan Avenue in the Philippines. It was around 2004. He was fortunate that I recognized him when he introduced himself to me. The last time I saw him before that was when he was still a seminarian, not yet an ordained priest, assigned to my high school through Campus Ministry, a school org where my friends (Mai Mai, Samae, Marale, Gwynne, Rieza, and Joy) and I were active members. That was in 1996 so doing the math, we met again eight years after. Since then, we have been in constant communication through Friendster, Facebook and email. He has always encouraged me in my goals and prayed for me to attain them.
I believe that the heavens have conspired to introduce these wonderful people to each other!
After remitting, Iris suggested I take her to a Filipino dinner so I brought her to Kabayan. By the way, the remittance fee was waived because June happens to be my birthday month. Great, isn't it? I ordered Kare-Kare, Beef Pastel and Pinakbet. Dessert was halaya (ube jam). I had to try it first, though, to see if it closely mimics the taste of the same jam prepared by the Benedictine sisters in Tagaytay and Baguio. The taste was not bad so I offered the jam to Iris.
Since there were still leftovers, Iris suggested to pack them so she could bring to her fiance Martinus whom she claims should love Filipino dishes as his previous love interest was a Filipina! We walked our way to Somerset MRT station where her car was parked nearby. We talked about her relationship with Martinus and Martinus' mom. When we reached her car, I asked about her love story with Martinus.
Listening to her story, I just can't help but be teary-eyed until tears, indeed, fell from my eyes. Don't get me wrong. This is not another typical love story that makes any woman teary-eyed and jealous. Theirs (Martinus' and Iris') is one story that exemplifies their deep relationship with the Lord. I will no longer detail their story here. Iris and Martinus are the ones who should share it to you. All I can say is that when in comes to anything, even in romantic relationships, I have to consult the Lord and discern whether something is meant for me or not. What left me amazed was Iris' capability to sift through the many voices in her mind to know that it is, indeed, the Lord speaking to her. She actually couldn't be too certain until Martinus, through his actions, affirmed the messages she got from this voice. Iris' story has inspired me that I started to aspire for that kind of relationship with the Divine. According to Iris, it is an investment of one's time to get to know the Lord. I have to spend quiet time with Him until I will know clearly it's His voice speaking through me. Actually, I had done something similar before. Back in Manila, I once stayed in the adoration chapel with a paper and pen in hand. I allowed myself to get carried away with my writing and what resulted was a letter addressed to me, telling me just how much special and loved I am. Sadly, I was not able to keep that letter. It's been a long time since I immersed myself to that kind of experience.
Theirs is a blessed relationship. I will always continue to pray for Martinus and Iris. I really want to attend their wedding on August 7. However, I have already booked a flight to Manila, together with my mother, on July 22. Hmmm... What shall I do?
While having dinner, I was thinking of a way to manage my laziness. Apparently, I am not efficient when there is no pressure. Certainly, nowadays, there is no immediate pressure for me to revise my thesis and do the RA work. I do want to work on them because I do not want to cram but then, again, I just find it hard to do so. It seems that I have very little attention span on my tasks these days.
So I was thinking, maybe, I will just work seriously on alternate days and spend the other days relaxing? Maybe, I could explore Singapore - take a walk, go jogging, meet up with friends during the day, read a book in the National Library, visit museums, and many more? Worthy-of-a-Nobel idea, isn't it? :P
But when do I start? Maybe next week. I don't really know. Ooops! I just realized that I forgot to reschedule my appointment with the doctor!
Since I am again feeling lazy, let me just tell you what happened last night.
Iris, a friend I met through Praise@Work, and I met up at Lucky Plaza to remit money for Fr. Joey's mission work in Ipil, Zamboanga. I am amazed at how simple things like forwarding Fr. Joey's Facebook note of an appeal for assistance to people I know would turn out to mean significantly to some of them. For instance, Iris has long been looking for a cause or a mission that could be a recipient of her regular monetary donations. She's been thinking of directing a portion of her hard-earned money to less fortunate communities outside Singapore. While there are still people living in poverty here in Singapore, she acknowledges that the plight of the poor in developing countries is worse. So to her, Fr. Joey's note was an answer to her desire to give. And she gave quite a significant amount! This act of her is so amazing considering that she's been and will be financially drained these days for her wedding on August 7.
It is further amazing that two wonderful people who happen to be good friends of mine are able to meet, even if only through online communication, through this worthy cause. Iris, who has been endeared to me through the Life in the Spirit Seminar I attended last year, has become my confidant every now and then in my struggles with Ivan. She has always been a great listener and her advices, just like Karen's (my roommate), are grounded in her deep relationship with the Lord. But she never told me to break up with Ivan. No one ever did. Okay, maybe one person, but it was solely my decision and my long-overdue desire to end my relationship with him for the better.
Fr. Joey, on the other hand, has been a friend since he boldly approached me at National Bookstore along Katipunan Avenue in the Philippines. It was around 2004. He was fortunate that I recognized him when he introduced himself to me. The last time I saw him before that was when he was still a seminarian, not yet an ordained priest, assigned to my high school through Campus Ministry, a school org where my friends (Mai Mai, Samae, Marale, Gwynne, Rieza, and Joy) and I were active members. That was in 1996 so doing the math, we met again eight years after. Since then, we have been in constant communication through Friendster, Facebook and email. He has always encouraged me in my goals and prayed for me to attain them.
I believe that the heavens have conspired to introduce these wonderful people to each other!
After remitting, Iris suggested I take her to a Filipino dinner so I brought her to Kabayan. By the way, the remittance fee was waived because June happens to be my birthday month. Great, isn't it? I ordered Kare-Kare, Beef Pastel and Pinakbet. Dessert was halaya (ube jam). I had to try it first, though, to see if it closely mimics the taste of the same jam prepared by the Benedictine sisters in Tagaytay and Baguio. The taste was not bad so I offered the jam to Iris.
Since there were still leftovers, Iris suggested to pack them so she could bring to her fiance Martinus whom she claims should love Filipino dishes as his previous love interest was a Filipina! We walked our way to Somerset MRT station where her car was parked nearby. We talked about her relationship with Martinus and Martinus' mom. When we reached her car, I asked about her love story with Martinus.
Listening to her story, I just can't help but be teary-eyed until tears, indeed, fell from my eyes. Don't get me wrong. This is not another typical love story that makes any woman teary-eyed and jealous. Theirs (Martinus' and Iris') is one story that exemplifies their deep relationship with the Lord. I will no longer detail their story here. Iris and Martinus are the ones who should share it to you. All I can say is that when in comes to anything, even in romantic relationships, I have to consult the Lord and discern whether something is meant for me or not. What left me amazed was Iris' capability to sift through the many voices in her mind to know that it is, indeed, the Lord speaking to her. She actually couldn't be too certain until Martinus, through his actions, affirmed the messages she got from this voice. Iris' story has inspired me that I started to aspire for that kind of relationship with the Divine. According to Iris, it is an investment of one's time to get to know the Lord. I have to spend quiet time with Him until I will know clearly it's His voice speaking through me. Actually, I had done something similar before. Back in Manila, I once stayed in the adoration chapel with a paper and pen in hand. I allowed myself to get carried away with my writing and what resulted was a letter addressed to me, telling me just how much special and loved I am. Sadly, I was not able to keep that letter. It's been a long time since I immersed myself to that kind of experience.
Theirs is a blessed relationship. I will always continue to pray for Martinus and Iris. I really want to attend their wedding on August 7. However, I have already booked a flight to Manila, together with my mother, on July 22. Hmmm... What shall I do?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)