Me reconnecting

Hi there, 

This feels like a getting-to-know of sorts. 

My last entry here was in December 2023...when Papa was still alive. 

I have been meaning to write but didn't get the courage to.

He passed away on June 24, 2024. I am now writing this on June 25, 2025. Is this a play with numbers? I do not know. 

All I know is I miss the man. I wake up in the mornings, wondering where he would already be. I asked Umi one night where she thinks Papa Oscar is now, a year after his death. And like with disbelief that I do not know the answer to such a simple question, she replied, 'in heaven?' 

But it is hard for the human mind to comprehend a place that cannot be located. What is heaven? Where is heaven? Where could my father be now? What is he doing now? Does he miss us, too? 

But I would like to think that he is in a happier place now. That the longing to be with us is far outweighed by the joy that he now has being in this eternal place called paradise. Maybe one day I will see him again? That when my time comes, he'll come fetch me just like those days when I would see him waiting for me at school dismissals? Never late, he was always there at the parking lot waiting for me, and I would be running towards him, deeply proud that I had a father whose life seemed to have revolved around me and my siblings. I never really understood what a hero he was to me, until he was gone.  

Is this what grief is? This feeling after a death of a loved one slowly creeps on you as time passes. There are days when the reality just sinks in--he is no longer with me, he's gone and is somewhere else now (but where???). The pain strikes you deep, like a stab on the chest. I am comforted with prayer, trusting in the Lord as the great architect of my Papa's life, and by the privilege of being loved by this man during his lifetime.   

Papa, we had a great life together. Beautiful memories together, though the time always felt short. Thank you for being so generous of your time with me. We had a lot of moments together, you driving me to different places, to school in OLLES, Corpus, to high school quiz bees. In those drives, especially the early morning ones on Mondays from Sta Fe to Cagayan de Oro, I learned about your dreams. That it would be ideal to have a home in CDO, near my high school. How you would always hold my hand when we cross the busy roads in CDO. When you hugged me so tightly on my college graduation--in my mind, we made it!!! First college graduate in the family, at Ateneo! How you reminded me to save and save, because you feared for a future without Lola Apay by our side. You never pressured me to work soon after I finished college in order to support the family, and that gave me time to explore and achieve the quality of life that I have now. You understood that I was only on my way toward financial independence, when you would pay for my trips to go home even as I was already earning as a graduate student. But I felt how proud you were of me when you finally allowed me to pay for our meal by the sea--that was the moment you knew I had reached financial independence.  

You were there with me... We were having afternoon coffee at Dunkin Donuts in Limketkai CDO when I had to choose between a PhD in Berlin and an internship in Singapore. You just sat with me as I reflected on which path to take, me knowing very well how blessed I was with my options then (when it rains, it does pour!). You were not the type who would give advice. I made a choice and didn't look back. When I got my big break, I told you to stay healthy so I can take you to places. Our family travels in Singapore, Manila, Boracay--I am glad to have shown you parts of the world while you were still able to. Thank you for indulging me in my intellectual pursuits and adventures. And in your later years, I thank the Lord for our precious times together and the healing it brought me, and I pray to you, too. 

I love you, Papa. Until we meet again.  

Love, 
Jen (that's how you called me)

*Written while on retreat at the Loyola on the Potomac, Maryland USA

P.S. I knew you were with me when I saw the black and yellow butterfly on the shore during my walk this morning. This retreat is for you, and me ('coz it's my birthday month, too; in fact, ours with Mama). 

In loving memory of Papa Oscar

His last birthday on June 8, 2024, enjoying time with his grandchildren.  
He asked who gave him the balloons. It was us. He knew he was loved.
He would pass away 16 days later.

Morning view of the Potomac River from the retreat house 

View of the Potomac at dusk

Moments with Papa

I want to jot down my precious moments with Papa.

This afternoon, I called him via Ate Ruby’s phone. He was lying on his bed, covered in blanket ‘coz he was feeling cold. We talked about random stuff. I told him about my reiki session - my neighbor had invited me to attend her class - and how it can be good to heal pains beyond what medicine can do. He indulged me in my sharing and seemed receptive about holistic healing. I told him about my convo with Rene, about where we are gonna be buried - and he said, it would depend on the children. I asked about Pryce Gardens funeral park at Mambatangan - he said it’s nice, Uncle Inting is buried there. I told him about my St Peter life plan - that I got it 8 years ago, and that the price has increased so much since then. I am planning to get another one, and just thinking about which casket to get. We talked about Uncle Eddie who was cremated, and he said he would prefer to be cremated as it doesn’t take up much space. I shared with him that I contributed to Uncle Ed’s funeral expenses - after all, Uncle Ed drafted my appeal letter to Ateneo so that I can get a more generous scholarship. Papa must have missed Uncle Ed. They were good friends before.

Then he shared that the other night, he dreamed of Lola Apay. They were in the sala (living room), and Lola came to report to him the cocks outside were fighting. Papa saw that the cocks have a spur (tari) that would kill the cocks while fighting. ‘Ma, palayo diha Ma!’ (Ma, stay away there, Ma!), Papa warned Lola. Lola didn’t say anything. But she went closer to Papa and kissed his head twice from behind. 

I felt happy to hear that dream. I told Papa that he has a special place in Lola’s heart. I recall when I was young, Lola would tell me that Papa is sacrificing a lot for us his children that he can’t even buy his own pants!

I asked Papa how he felt about that dream. He said that it was probably a sign na ‘dili na siya magdugay.’ (He won’t last long anymore.) 🥹😢 

He’s saying that he’s been getting weaker and weaker. He has counted that he’s fallen 7 times. But the last time - which happened in the middle of the night, and I saw him being treated by Mae and Aty Ruby - was something he cannot recall at all.

I opened the idea of him talking to Mama, and asking forgiveness. He said it’s hard because she doesn’t ever change. I reminded him that it’s not about Mama changing. But that no one’s perfect and we should ask forgiveness. And it’s also for Mama’s healing that he reaches out to her. I shared with him that I do not want Mama to regret not reaching out to him in these times, and maybe he can help by talking to her gently. *at least, I have expressed my thoughts with him*

***

Dear Lord, grant Papa the grace to prepare himself for the day when you call him into Your kingdom. But thank You so so much that you’re giving me and the family this opportunity to get into Papa’s heart and mind. May this current journey of ours (I feel like we are walking with Papa to his resting place…) bring healing to Papa and to the whole family. You and Mama Mary have been with us all the way. Thank You so much. We continue to pray for your graces and comforting embrace, Lord and Mama Mary. 

***

December 8, 2022 - Feast of the Immaculate Conception

Today was a miracle. I had a video call with Papa and Mae, when Mae was visiting Papa at the ICU. Two days earlier - he was delusional/psychotic, not taking his meds and expressing his distrust and pains about anyone in the family. He had to be tied up in the ICU, in case he’d remove the tubes attached to his body once he wakes up. 

But on Dec 8, he calmed down. During the video call, Mae and I checked on him and tried to clarify with him his ill feelings about us - where it was coming from, etc. (While the words that came out from his mouth before were disturbing, we were glad because he was able to express his hurts and pains.). He shared that he was afraid to die, was feeling hopeless and that was generally why he acted that way two days ago. He shared the he appreciated talking to Jaymee, a psychologist. He appreciated Fr Jun Tan’s visit - that the annointing is not just for the dying. We asked him why he’s afraid to die - it’s because he’d leave his children behind, and can’t trust Mama enough to look after the welfare of us his children. Mae and I assured him that we can already look after ourselves, and he’s already sacrificed so much for us that we can stand by ourselves now. That we love him and we’ll do everything we can to look after him. We assured him that we will never fight over our shares of the properties that he and Lola/Lolo would have left behind. We told him that we want for him a peaceful life. That if he were to leave this world, he would be at peace with it. And we will help him in his journey. I expressed to him that this day is such a miracle. That for a long time, Mae and I have been trying to go deep in his thoughts and feelings, especially about dying and his spiritual life (we also talked his prayer life).

I told Rene in the evening how deeply healing to me my convo with Papa that day. It felt like the walls around my heart just got torn down. (I had earlier expressed that I find it hard to connect with anyone even if the intention is there.) Papa is such an important figure in my life. 

***

When are you going to let go of your dad in your head?

I saw my therapist last Friday evening, for the first time this year. 

I thought I wanted to bring up with her a silly thought that often comes up to me when I am home in Sta Fe, Philippines. 

You see, I am turning 40 this year, and have achieved things more than an average woman may have achieved. 

And yet, there is a part of me that longs for some verbal recognition/appreciation from my father. 

Silly as it may be, when I am home in Sta Fe, and I find myself doing simple things that Papa would have witnessed - like taking my kid for a walk, or noble things like mediating family tensions, - a silly thought comes up to my mind. 

"Papa must be really proud of me."

It is a small thing. But it comes up to my mind every now and then, especially when Papa is around. 

So I thought I'd process this with a therapist. What is really going on with me, why do I still seek recognition at this age from my own father, no matter how much I have achieved? 

The therapist figured that my father is not the type who expresses his appreciation openly. I grew up without that verbal appreciation, even if I knew deep down that he appreciates my life choices (like doing well in school and getting a well-paying job). Processing this now, I have realized that Papa has also been going through his own issues about not being openly appreciated by the people close to him. So granted, his appreciation toolkit had been limited. Sadly, I only recall disapprovals and zero appreciation about my mom's actions while growing up. I guess, I have also implicitly taken up her place, hoping that if I do things right for myself, my father would also see my mom (through me) differently...in a good way. 

[I am saying all these with full acceptance of what life was, from my point of view, as I was growing up. I am not angry towards Papa There are things I cannot change. Parents are humans, too. They give all their all to their children, but they have their own shortcomings, too. I know this because I am a parent myself. Many times, our parenting approaches are functions of our upbringings and narratives or realizations about life.]

So this prompted my therapist to ask me, "when are you going to let go of your dad?" She meant, let go of my dad in my head. 

This means I have to find my self-worth from within me. I serve my family in ways I can. I am raising my own kids without placing financial burden on my father. I am charting my own path based on what I believe is the right path. I seek guidance from professionals and friends - young and old - to be better than who I am today. I think I have earned my self-worth. I think I am good enough. 

I am good enough. I will do things right because I am happy to do so. Doing so makes me feel good, not because I seek appreciation and recognition from others, including from my father. 

And going through this personal issue and being able to unpack this actually give me the opportunity to do things differently, as a daughter, as a mother. Lord, grant me the grace to find beauty and value in the most mundane and least extraordinary of things and experiences. May I be able to appreciate the beauty in the humans around me.  

Unpacking this personal issue led me to reflect on how I am to my children. 

Do I fully express my appreciation to them? Verbally and in spirit? What I learned from my relationship with my dad is that appreciation has to be expressed verbally, too, not just in spirit. I had a conversation with Umi last night, and she said she does feel secure that she is fully appreciated at home, including by me. But I think, this type of conversation may have to be done every now and then, with each member of the household.       

Gaggan - A remarkable gastronomic experience

It just so happened that this year's list of top 50 restaurants was unveiled at around the same time I was checking out Gaggan. Yes, Gaggan, the world's 4th best restaurant according to this list: https://www.theworlds50best.com/The-List-2019/1-10/Gaggan.html

I am not a food connoisseur, nor deeply knowledgeable about Indian cuisine. I wish I wa, I would have enjoyed Gaggan's progressive Indian more. Nonetheless, it was a one of a kind experience. It felt like being part of an experiential show, being asked to lick a plate of curry or eating some brain-looking food blindfolded.

I must say, taking a 25-course tasting menu at one of the world's best restaurants was a deeply empowering experiencing to me. Here I was, with my hard-earned money, enjoying fine food with strangers who queued up for weeks and months to get a seat at this most coveted table. It felt liberating to a woman whose past 6 years have mostly been consumed with mothering and raising a family. Wow, I am one lucky woman! Let me remain humble despite all these blessings.

But kids, this is for you! May you have the drive to strive and give all your best while you're young, for the fruits of your labor - when enjoyed at the appropriate time - will be the sweetest. 

Next time, I hope to enjoy this experience with my loved ones. I had thought about my father while dining. But maybe not Gaggan, he is likely not adventurous enough to try different renditions of Indian food. Of course, I would save another experience with Rene, and hope to be able to tag my cousin chef Chris as well.

***First posted on Facebook on 28 June, the day I dined at Gaggan.*** 

In Bangkok, on the way back home from Naypyitaw.

Fortunate to get a seat at Gaggan, the world’s 4th best restaurant and Asia's best, before it closes sometime next year. Yeah, still have a reason to celebrate on my birthday month. 😆

I didn’t realize that I had signed up for a 25-course tasting menu until I asked my seatmate at the chef’s table. 😅 Seatmate hails from Sweden and had been on the waitlist for half a year. I signed up in mid-May and got a confirmation 2 weeks later. 😆

I must say, it was as much a performance as it was a gastronomic delight. Imagine the team’s creativity and playfulness coming to life in every dish that was served, which was also accompanied with lively music and an early evening drizzle in the sun room. I was blown away by the whole set-up. 😍

Sharing the photos and some videos - watch me eat some brain blindfolded, and being served the loveliest birthday cake ever (thanks to the edible candle!). What a memorable experience, during the month I turned 36. 😊

My seatmate became my dining buddy

Mr. Sommelier was so nice to let us try 3 different types
of white wine 'coz I couldn't make up my mind whether I wanted earthy or full-bodied.
In the end, I ended up with neither and chose a Riesling, something sweet. =P

The long, emoji-filled menu!

First course

Second course - the famous yoghurt pops!

Oh yeah, third course!

Fourth course

Fifth course

Sixth course

Seventh course

Eighth course

Ninth course

10th course - a fave. They made it look like truffles, but it
really was some well-made bread with some filling.

11th course

12th course

13th course

14th course

Preparing the 15th course, a tribute to sushi

15th course

16th course, a tribute to chawanmushi

17th course

18th course

19th course

20th course

21st course

21st course

23rd course, Gaggan's mango lassi

24th course

25th course

And because it was my birthday month, I got an extra course.

Lovely birthday cake concept!

Revealing what the emojis meant. I still wish we got more description of each course.

Happy birthday, Papa Oscar!

***First posted on Facebook on 8 June 2019***

Happy birthday to my favorite Papa Oscar!!!

Papa Oscar with Gabo

I am so proud to be your daughter, so blessed to have grown up under your constant presence and 

sacrifices. You are most generous of your time and others resources, this I deeply appreciate. You took joy in driving us to and from school as we kids were growing up, many times welcoming our friends to hitch a ride with us as well. It just didn’t seem a burden to you. And the fact that you were always there - never late - waiting for us by the time school ends has given me the assurance that you will always be with me and my siblings no matter what. That I was able to explore the world, pursued dreams that you didn’t understand yourself, and yet, you continued to hear me out and supported me financially (hope no need to do so going forward haha!). I owe much of the life I have now to you, ‘coz you had set the bar high in terms of the privileges we kids were going to get - no matter how difficult for you - and gave me the liberty to find myself, my passions without letting me worry about finances even if you didn’t have much.

Pa, I wish you good health and joy in your heart so you can continue to spread the love to us and your grandchildren. And that you get to enjoy the privileges and more that you yourself strived to give your children. I love you, Pa. 😘

Happy birthday, Mama Cora!

Date with Mama, sometime in 2016

***First posted on Facebook on 7 June 2019***
Happiest of birthdays, Mama Cora!

I have been blessed to be raised by parents who have not only given their all to me and my siblings, but have also encouraged and supported us to explore life, take risks, and make mistakes.

To Mama, thank you for being a living example of a woman with a can-do attitude, a woman with a strong will and determination to pursue what piques her interests against all odds. Because of your example, it was never a question for me whether I can do things. Know that during tough and stressful times in my adult life, I would constantly remind myself that I am my mother’s daughter after all, so I should be able to get through...

I am also amazed at your ability to find joy in difficult situations as well as your ability to seek help when necessary - to God and others. You are to me, someone who has been able to live life, crying and laughing with little inhibition. I used to think that you must be proud of me to be able to live the life that you never lived - being able to enjoy a job and all its perks while raising a family. But now, I think you have actually lived, however difficult the circumstances, even if the odds may be against you, for that requires a lot of character. Praise God for blessing my mother, for blessing you with resilience and that undying faith in you, no matter how flawed.

Thank you for showing me and my siblings that it is okay to make mistakes. What is important is we stand up, and learn from our failings and shortcomings. It was not articulated, but that way actually, life is more meaningful. Thank you for instilling in us the desire to give back to people’s generosity, and for showing us the importance of coexisting with a bigger society beyond the immediate family (that is, with our relatives and friends). Thank you for being a prayerful mother whom I desire to emulate.

Ma, on your birthday, I wish you good health and a heart exuding with gratitude. God has never left you. I know He will never leave you. I love you, Ma. Thank you for everything. 💛

Food for thought - on the need to help impoverished kids go to school

Was listening to a podcast over lunch featuring Michelle Obama.

I find these lines by Michelle really moving. It resonates with me because I myself am a living example of how education can change lives, and open a door of opportunity after another..

I took out the emphasis on girls or women, as these could apply to boys or men, too.

"The difference between success and failure when you…are a minority is really slim. If you get the wrong message, it sits with you the wrong way. And if you do not have an advocate, no opportunity, then you are sunk."

"Just imagine – there was something that was in you from the time you were 4 or 3. You talk to your parents, they could see that in you. So imagine that part of you that would never get educated, how you would feel, how frustrated, how angry you would feel? And to know that there are millions of girls (and boys) around the world (who do not get educated), 'coz talent, potential knows no country, knows no gender. The mirror image of both of you is sitting somewhere in Uganda (or just about anywhere), not being educated because of some cultural norm, or some closedmindedness, or some ignorance, (or simply no opportunity), and how that girl (or kid) feels – how you would feel in that situation?"

Food for thought on a Friday, and over the weekend...