Had I stayed, my bonus would have immediately allowed me to purchase in cash that piece of lot that I have been eyeing for months now, a family vacation at Amanpulo, and that Cartier Tank Louis Cartier watch that I think I would only be comfortable of buying in two years or so. And despite these big-ticket purchases, I would still have a significant amount set aside for savings (this is just my presumption given previous pays and the latest published estimates)! Hmph. That night, the difficulty of leaving a career in investment banking - which hit me when I was already considering to accept a job offer from a different industry last year - all of a sudden came back to me.
But the truth is, I would have only stayed in IB solely for the money. And I would not have been happy with myself had I done that. Life is too short to spend one's time for a prolonged period on money alone, you know. I spent four years in IB (so I'd like to think I have saved something, although certainly not enough for a house downpayment here huhu but never mind!) and at some point in my latter two years, it crossed my mind during one of those late-night stays at the office, that what if I die here? This company and my colleagues would simply move on, while in my last breaths I would certainly regret not being able to spend as much quality time with my young children and pursuing something that I would like to do career-wise.
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| The life I left - I was just two months into the job here. This photo was taken on a Friday. Little did I know then, when this photo was taken, that I would be stuck at the office until 5am the following day writing about Malaysia's 2014 Budget. But I miss this trio - in the middle is our research assistant visiting from Bangalore and to the right is the best boss I may ever have (hopefully not!). A very good man. All three have left this shop and moved on. |
Still, the weeks approaching the submission of my resignation letter was utterly difficult. How could you leave a high-paying, high-profile career that many people dream and strive for, one that promises quite a clear progression with supportive bosses, and one that is surprisingly family-friendly given the flexibility that it offers despite the job's well-known demanding nature? But when I finally moved into my new job, it only took me less than a month to know that I had made the right decision, at least at this particular point in my life when I have young kids to take care of and no PhD. Sad to say that despite all my considerations of staying, much of it boiled down to the pay.
But life is not all about the money. I would like to believe that life is more about pursuing dreams (once you have enough savings perhaps, or with the hope that the financial aspect will follow) and becoming better versions of ourselves. After my second year at IB, after I learned the ropes of being an economist in the sell-side and in the commercial setting, I started to yearn for depth again. The idea of returning to school and taking a PhD to get a good training in research came to haunt me again. It took me months to realize an ideal arrangement given my particular situation.
Thing is, I am no longer as determined as I used to be to go back to graduate school. A lot of this sentiment has to do with the fact that graduate school will also not allow me to be as present for my children as I want to be. Moreover, I want to help my husband in providing a comfortable life for my family. Furthermore, I need to support my own family (my parents and sometimes, my siblings) and it would be uncomfortable to ask my husband to support them when he himself is also supporting his own family.
So the ideal situation for me would be a research career that does not have to follow markets closely and no frequent travel, unlike in investment banking. After several times spent googling in the office toilet cubicle, 'investment banking exit strategy' or something like that and a couple of job interviews wherein the prospective employer is just curious why I want to leave a high-paying job, God heard my prayers with the role that I have now (I had applied at least three times within five years here until they finally noticed me!). What I am happiest with my current role is the fact that I can focus spending my time with my children and on other activities that interest me without worrying about what I am missing from the rest of the world. (You gotta be well-informed because chances are high that clients would ask you about certain market-moving or potential risk events sooner than later. Oh well, maybe I hadn't really adjusted enough to IB life. But I also knew then that I would like to teach my kids how to read and be able to bake their birthday cakes, things that IB life cannot guarantee I can do.)
Moreover, I now have the opportunity to do in-depth research, so I treat my current role as a substitute to a PhD training. This role would also allow me to upskill myself as an economist and give me the opportunity to write research papers, which I feel would make me a more competent economist. (Writing these down to remind myself haha!).
So after the surprise that night, that tinge of regret, and jealousy too, has died down. I guess it is normal to feel a tinge of jealousy towards former colleagues or other successful investment bankers every now and then - you know, when you came so close to that life that could afford you luxury vacations and all. Sometimes, I asked myself why I felt IB was not for me, when many other women have made it to managing directors or higher. But then, we each are in different circumstances and have different sets of priorities. So there is no point of comparing.
And someone once told me, it is God who planted those dreams in you. That is perhaps why my heart beats for something else, at least not for financial markets at this point.
But life is not all about the money. I would like to believe that life is more about pursuing dreams (once you have enough savings perhaps, or with the hope that the financial aspect will follow) and becoming better versions of ourselves. After my second year at IB, after I learned the ropes of being an economist in the sell-side and in the commercial setting, I started to yearn for depth again. The idea of returning to school and taking a PhD to get a good training in research came to haunt me again. It took me months to realize an ideal arrangement given my particular situation.
Thing is, I am no longer as determined as I used to be to go back to graduate school. A lot of this sentiment has to do with the fact that graduate school will also not allow me to be as present for my children as I want to be. Moreover, I want to help my husband in providing a comfortable life for my family. Furthermore, I need to support my own family (my parents and sometimes, my siblings) and it would be uncomfortable to ask my husband to support them when he himself is also supporting his own family.
So the ideal situation for me would be a research career that does not have to follow markets closely and no frequent travel, unlike in investment banking. After several times spent googling in the office toilet cubicle, 'investment banking exit strategy' or something like that and a couple of job interviews wherein the prospective employer is just curious why I want to leave a high-paying job, God heard my prayers with the role that I have now (I had applied at least three times within five years here until they finally noticed me!). What I am happiest with my current role is the fact that I can focus spending my time with my children and on other activities that interest me without worrying about what I am missing from the rest of the world. (You gotta be well-informed because chances are high that clients would ask you about certain market-moving or potential risk events sooner than later. Oh well, maybe I hadn't really adjusted enough to IB life. But I also knew then that I would like to teach my kids how to read and be able to bake their birthday cakes, things that IB life cannot guarantee I can do.)
Moreover, I now have the opportunity to do in-depth research, so I treat my current role as a substitute to a PhD training. This role would also allow me to upskill myself as an economist and give me the opportunity to write research papers, which I feel would make me a more competent economist. (Writing these down to remind myself haha!).
So after the surprise that night, that tinge of regret, and jealousy too, has died down. I guess it is normal to feel a tinge of jealousy towards former colleagues or other successful investment bankers every now and then - you know, when you came so close to that life that could afford you luxury vacations and all. Sometimes, I asked myself why I felt IB was not for me, when many other women have made it to managing directors or higher. But then, we each are in different circumstances and have different sets of priorities. So there is no point of comparing.
And someone once told me, it is God who planted those dreams in you. That is perhaps why my heart beats for something else, at least not for financial markets at this point.
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